Rosie O'donnell's metal gear adventure
by clipwaster
Summary: The ultimate metal gear spoof where I replace most of the characters with ones you may be familiar with. Staring the feared and reveared Rosie O'donell
1. The story unfolds

Chapter 1  
  
Hello and welcome to my very first fanfic. If enough people r/r this won't be my only one. Basically it's an MGS2 spoof. I just replace some of the characters with others that you might know and take some liberties with the story. Our scene begins in the Tanker Chapter, but if I get enough positive reviews to keep going, I should make a Plant Chapter.  
  
Disclaimer: Do I really need a disclaimer? So assuming there's some asshole out there who will try and sue me, I don't own any metal gear solid characters, and I'm sure the real people featured in this story own themselves as well. There, I said it. I felt stupid saying it, but I did it anyway.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
The camera pans around the Manhatten bridge showing the many cars and street lights in the middle of a heavy down-poor of rain. We see a large figure in a rain coat with a cigarrette in its mouth. The camera pans around to reveal the face of the figure. From what we can see, the person is fat, a woman, and has brown hair. Rosanne perhaps? Suddenly the rain coat pops off because of her size. It's Rosie O'donnell! Startled by the absence of the rain coat, and the fact that her cover's been blown, she starts running. She then activates the stealth camo but it doesn't cover her whole body. Onlookers are surprised to see a giant bouncing stomach on two little feet running towards the side of the bridge. Rosie jumps off and we can just make out a bungee cord behind her. But when the bungee cord looses it's slack, her girth causes it to snap. She falls down on the tanker. Slowly, casually, she gets up, looks around to make sure no one saw what just happened. The words Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty appear on top of the screen.  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Rosie: This is French Fry. I'm at the sneak point.  
  
Otacon: Good work French Fry. What's the situation?  
  
Rosie: Hmm. . . Stealth camo's no good. You didn't tell they made stealth camo sized for midgets.  
  
Otacon: That was the biggest pair we had.  
  
Rosie: And that bungee cord. . . you would think it was made of dental floss.  
  
Otacon: Listen French Fry, we've got little time left. Get down to the holds of the tanker, and locate the new metal gear prototype.  
  
Rosie: Okay. French Fry, out.  
  
Rosie peeks her head up above the box she's hiding behind and spots the marines disguised as civilians onboard.  
  
Suddenly, a chopper flies overhead and we can see several men dressed in battle gear descend from the chopper's rope ladder.  
  
The men cut the marines throats with their combat knives and take over the ship.  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Rosie: Otacon! There are men on this ship! They've taken it over!  
  
Otacon: Calm down, French Fry. We need to get an ID. What are their gear?  
  
Rosie: I see Russian gear. An AKS-74u, a Makarov handgun, pineapple grenades, And. . .  
  
(Rosie pauses)  
  
Otacon: What is it?  
  
Rosie:(drool dropping down her mouth). . . Rations.  
  
Otacon: Would you cut that out! That just means that you have to work quicker, but don't get careless. I'll bet these guys will shoot to kill.  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
Minutes later Rosie has infiltrated the tanker and is in the Deck-A crew's lounge reading one of the magazines chuckling in between sips of alcohol she got from the shelf behind the bar. She's sitting on the two patroling soldiers. Each have stars circling their heads.  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Otacon: French Fry what are you doing?  
  
Rosie: I got tired and decided to read a magazine.  
  
Otacon: French Fry the safety of the world rests in your hands and you're reading a magazine.  
  
Rosie: Not just any magazine, FHM.  
  
Otacon: Listen you tub of lard! Get down there as quick as you can.  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
Rosie(talking to herself): Well I guess I'd better get down there and save the world or something.  
  
MEANWHILE. . .  
  
The camera shows a dark room where a misteryous figure is talking to the terrorists. It's Revolver Ocelot  
  
Terrorist: Sir we've managed to take over the ship without the marines catching on.  
  
Ocelot: Good. We're right on time.  
  
And so our story unfolds, as special agent French Fry has to infiltrate the ship now overrun by terrorists. Supposedly housing a new type of metal gear. 


	2. The one where Rosie fights Jerod from th...

LATER.  
  
* A guard is patroling the hallway he notices wet shoe marks leading to a room. As he walks in the room he notices one of the lockers bulging out. He comes closer to investigate. Goodness! The hinges are about to bust. What is in there? he wondered. Guard peers closer to the locker and suddenly the hinges bust and the door is shot straight off the locker into the guard's face. Effectively knocking him out. *  
  
* Rosie squeezes out of the locker and contacts Otacon *  
  
Rosie: Otacon, I'm close to the holds, but there's a problem.  
  
Otacon: What is it?  
  
Rosie: There's semtex on the wall. I don't think I can get through.  
  
Otacon: Be carefull. Don't get too close. Remember your gut sticks out further than you might think. Don't make the same mistake you did in VR. You'll have to find a weapon that can take the control panel out.  
  
Rosie: French Fry, out.  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* Rosie heads up to the area where you have to fight olga in the game. She sees a middle aged man walking around with a radio.  
  
As Rosie gets closer, she sees that the man is Jerod from the subway commercial. *  
  
Jerod(talking on the radio): Yes. The whole world will be hooked on our evil low fat subway foods, and metal gear is the key.  
  
* The man talks some more and when he finally quits, Rosie O'donell jumps out and points her M9 at him. *  
  
Rosie: Freeze!  
  
* The man turns slowly with his hands in the air. *  
  
Jerod: Oh so we meet at last. My arch nemesis.  
  
Rosie: You'd better not try anything stupid.  
  
Jerod: Soon the whole world will be on my low fat diet and I will be unstopable. MUAHAAHAAAHAAA!!!  
  
* Evil Jerod laughs as thunder booms over head. *  
  
Jerod: And soon your kind won't exist. You fat, disgusting, obese, pig!  
  
Rosie: Hello! I'm about to blow your brains out to sea.  
  
Jerod: But you're Rosie O'donnell, you're against guns. You can't kill me with that.  
  
Rosie: That's right  
  
Rosie tosses the gun overboard.  
  
* Jerod dashes for Rosie. He tries to tackle her but she turns around and butt-bumps Jerod, who then falls out to sea. She bends over and picks up Jerod's USP *  
  
Rosie: This could come in handy.  
  
* She looks up and sees a Cypher overhead. It takes a picture and leaves. * 


	3. The one where Rosie O'donell eats the se...

* Revolver Ocelot, some terrorists, and a few other important looking men are huddled around a computer. *  
  
Gurlukovich: Our Cypher took this picture of the intruder.  
  
* On the computer screen we see a picture of Rosie O'donell staring up at the camera. Her hair is wind-swept to one side, her bandana is cought in the hair, and she's drooling at the mouth. *  
  
Gurlukovich: We've also managed to hack into Philanthropy's database and uncover some stuff about her.  
  
* The screen shows her personal stats, vital ID, etc. *  
  
Ocelot: What's this barcode here?  
  
Gurlukovich: That's her weight sir.  
  
Ocelot: Goodness (he says as he's looking at the picture of Rosie O'donell in the blue sneaking suit). She's like a big blue berry.  
  
. . . meanwhile Rosie is pointing her USP at the semtex control unit.  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Rosie: Otacon. I can't do it.  
  
Otacon: French Fry, come on. We don't have time for this.  
  
Rosie: Otacon, I've never shot a gun in my life and I'm not gonna start now.  
  
Otacon: French Fry it's just a control unit.  
  
Rosie: Guns are dangerous and unethical.  
  
Otacon: Well the control unit is on the other side and you certainly can't crawl through the vents given your. . .condition.  
  
Rosie: I'll think of something.  
  
Otacon: French Fry you're not gonna. . . no way . . . you can't do that!  
  
Rosie: Otacon, I've ate worse.  
  
Otacon: Fry, no!  
  
* Otacon watches shocked as Rosie eats the semtex explosives. The red beams dissapear.*  
  
Rosie: See. Now they can't detonate.  
  
Otacon: Not unless you get shot. Then you'll be a huge blue bomb.  
  
Rosie: You're just jealous you didn't think of it.  
  
(codec goes offline) 


	4. The one where Ocelot hijacks metal gear

* Rosie has made it out to the holds where the commandant is giving his speech. The screen shows a giant vending machine *  
  
Commandant: This new metal gear can launch Subway's great tasting, low fat food to any place on planet earth. No more poor Chinese children, no more obese people period! The world will be hooked on subway's food, and we will all be healthy!  
  
* Troups cheer. *  
  
Rosie(looking up at the screen): The vending machine from hell!  
  
* In a few minutes French Fry has made it to the room where metal gear is housed. She's perched on top of the giant vending machine looking down on the commandant. *  
  
* Suddenly, after the speech has ended, there's the sound of someone clapping. Ocelot comes out from behind metal gear. *  
  
Ocelot: Excellent speech commander. Gift of the silver tongue. They say it's the mark of a good officer. And of a liar.  
  
-if you've played the game, you know what happens; Gurlukovich comes and takes the commandant hostage. Blah blah blah. Let's get to the part after Ocelot double crosses Gurlukovich and shoots him.  
  
Ocelot(holding up a semtex detonator unit): This ship now carries enough semtex on its key structural points to blow it out of the water. I suggest you run for your lives.  
  
* Ocelot pushes the button on the detonator. The semtex inside Rosie O'donell explodes. Knocking her off the metal gear unit. She falls down and straight through the floor. *  
  
* Ocelot then hijacks metal gear and swims out to sea. *  
  
Ocelot(talking to someone unknown): Yes I have the new metal gear prototype. Yes I have photographic evidence of French Fry on the scene. I look foreward to tommorow morning's newsflash. Yes I'm bringing home the Charmin toilet paper you like. . . Johny Sasaki.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	5. The plant chapter

Plant Chapter * The scene unfolds as the camera pans around the Hudson River, home of the tanker incident. *  
  
Colonel: Snake do you remember the sinking of that tanker two years ago?  
  
Raiden: Of course.  
  
Colonel: Terrorists blew up an oil tanker full of crude oil just off the Manhatten harbor. Your classic nightmare.  
  
* camera pans around scene showing US military men walking around and navy choppers *  
  
Colonel: Anyway, a team called philanthropy sent in their best soldier to investigate what the tanker was holding.  
  
Raiden: Rosie O'donnell, I heard about that.  
  
Colonel: She was under the code name "French Fry" at the time. And after three months of liposuction we were finally able to fit her in one of our sneaking suits.  
  
Raiden: I hear the stealth camo didn't quite fit her either.  
  
Colonel: That's a different story. Also, you should know, she was a clone of Big Bertha, who was thought to be the best soldier in the world.  
  
Raiden: So what was the tanker holding?  
  
Colonel: Sorry, Snake, but that's classified information. Oh, and by the way, I'm not an AI working for the Patriots, a top secret organization, more powerfull and secretive than the US government.  
  
Raiden: Uhh.okay.  
  
Colonel: After the sinking of the tanker, the government built a large offshore clean up facility they call the big shell.  
  
* Camera shows helicopters and Seal team 10 landing on the roof of one of the struts *  
  
Colonel: Terrorists have now taken over the big shell.  
  
Raiden: Do we have an ID?  
  
Colonel: Yes. A highly trained group called dead cell, and a group of rogue russians known as the Spetsnaz.  
  
Raiden: Who's their leader.  
  
Colonel: There are two people who could claim to be their leader. Johhny Sasaki, a trained assasin, and mastermind.  
  
Raiden: Johnny Sasaki!? You mean the man who single handedly clogged up the New York sewer system?  
  
Colonel: Yeah, it was stopped-up for weeks. And strangely enough, the second person behind the whole mess seems to be French Fry.  
  
Raiden: But French Fry died.  
  
Colonel: Yes I know. But that's who they claim their leaders are.  
  
Raiden: What are their demands?  
  
Colonel: Thirty billion dollars.  
  
Raiden: Thirty billion dollars!? What are they gonna do with thirty billion dollars?  
  
Colonel: That's how much money the terrorists had to spend on French Fry's rations.  
  
Raiden: Thirty billion dollars on rations!?  
  
Colonel: Yeah and she used Johnny Sasaki's credit card.  
  
Raiden: Poor guy.  
  
Colonel: Anyway, we should cut the chit-chat and get going.  
  
Raiden: Okay. Snake, out.  
  
* Camera shows Raiden underwater swimming past several half-eaten sardines. Then he sees a huge hole in the fence. He swims through it. * 


	6. The one where Raiden discovers there's a...

(codec beeps)  
  
Raiden(after he surfaces): Colonel, I've managed to swim through a hole in the underwater fence. It seems someone else wanted to get in badly.  
  
Colonel: Not likely. It's just you and the seals on this mission. And they landed on the roof as planned.  
  
Raiden: But there was a huge hole in the oil fence.  
  
Colonel: Was it cut?  
  
Raiden: No, the fenced was pushed inward in that area. Like something pushed it's way through it.  
  
Colonel: Well, there's nothing I can do about it. And by the way Snake. We're changing your code name to Raiden.  
  
Raiden: What's wrong with Snake?  
  
Colonel: Nothing, Raiden just sounds better.  
  
Raiden: Okay. Raiden, out  
  
* Raiden then walks over to the door just before the room where you access the first node. He hears the sound of someone getting beaten up. . . . He looks in and sees a large figure with a ration box on its head sitting in the elevator, munching on a sardine. The figure tries to ride the elevator but the weight limit warning goes off. The figure notices Raiden, gets up and starts pulling on the elevator cable until it's out of sight. *  
  
(codec)  
  
Raiden: Colonel. There's definitly another intruder in here besides me.  
  
Colonel: Impossible.  
  
Raiden: Not a team. Looks like a solo job. Whoever he is, he managed to take care of every enemy sentry in the area.  
  
Colonel: Well you'll have to take advantage of the situation and log on to the node.  
  
Raiden: Did you say nerd?  
  
Colonel: Not nerd. Node! 


	7. The one where Raiden meets the slim fast...

* After Raiden successfully accesses the node he goes to the strut where you meet vamp in the game. He sees a hallway full of dead soldiers. He sees blood on the wall and cautiously approaches the door. A graphic scene is shown where a quick, dark, figure quickly jumps from wall to wall scratching SEAL team 10 soldiers with it's long, razor sharp, fingernails.  
  
After the commotion stops, Raiden enters the room. He hears a strange sound and sees the dark figure drinking a slimfast in the corner.(*insert sucking sound vamp makes when he drinks someone's blood here*) Dead bodies are all over the floor. Raiden draws nearer to the dark, shady figure. Raiden starts to come closer, but recoils when the horrid, dark skinned, vampire-like creature turns to face him. We see the face of the beast. It's Oprah! Oprah slowly approaches Raiden, then holds the spent slimfast can up and crushes it in between the palm of her hand and throws it next to four other cans on the floor. *  
  
Oprah(with a deep Phil LaMarr voice): Five today.  
  
* Oprah brings up another unused slimfast *  
  
Oprah: Or rather. . .six.  
  
* Oprah sowly brings the slimfast up to where it's pointed toward Raiden's face ready to spew it's rancid contents into Raiden's eyes. *  
  
Voice: Get Down!  
  
* Raiden ducks as we hear the cascade of gun shots coming from a SEAL's M4. Raiden gets up slowly to look at the obese, out of shape, SEAL who saved his life. The seal walks around cautiously with gun drawn. . . . Suddenly Oprah quickly descends from the rafters like a bat, knocks the gun out of the seal's hands, and pins the him/her up against the wall with her bare hands. Unfortunatly, this particular seal's girth is too much for the beast-like Oprah to hold up so she holds the SEAL there with her pointy fingernail drawn out ready to slice it's neck. Raiden dives over to where the M4 was dropped and picks it up pointing it at Oprah. Oprah has her face close to the soldier's neck ready to do God knows what when suddenly she sniffs the air. *  
  
Oprah: Hmm.strange smell.  
  
* Oprah gets a little closer *  
  
Oprah: Are you!? It has to be.  
  
* Oprah whatches, horrified, as a hamburger falls out of the pocket of the soldier. *  
  
SEAL: Shoot it! What are you waiting for?  
  
* Oprah shreeks as she sees the meat patty on the hamburger. Images of poor cows being ruthlessly slaughtered run through her mind. Raiden attempts to shoot the creature but with it's matrix-like moves, it's too fast for him. It then darts off into the abyss. * 


	8. The one where Raiden makes a new friend

* The soldier slowly gets up but Raiden points his new-found M4 at him/her. *  
  
Raiden: Freeze!  
  
Person: Hold on, I'm not an enemy.  
  
* The SEAL takes off the mask. From what we can see the person is, fat, a woman, and has brown hair. *  
  
Person: My name is Fr. . . My name is Bobalina. Bobalina Patterson.  
  
* A sea lice crawls out of the hamburger she was eating *  
  
Raiden: Have I seen you before?  
  
Bobalina: Hmm. . .possibly  
  
Raiden: What was that thing just now?  
  
Bobalina: That slimfast-sucking freak!? . . . That was Oprah.  
  
(* An FMV movie is shown where you can see four people standing side by side. *)  
  
Bobalina: She was part of Dead cell, a group formed to show newbies like you, how to deal with the real thing.  
  
(* Still in FMV mode, the camera draws in closer to the group. We can make out Oprah, a really fat guy, a really fat lady and a soldier dressed in a guard's uniform. *)  
  
Bobalina: They were always close to the lunatic fringe. They even went after soldiers, even civilians.  
  
(* FMV stops *)  
  
Bobalina: Here, take this.  
  
* She hands Raiden her M4 *  
  
Bobalina: Take this.  
  
Raiden: But won't you be using it.  
  
Bobalina: It's okay. Besides, I don't really use guns. 


	9. The one where Raiden learns about the em...

* Raiden goes to the strut where you find Stillman. Raiden points his gun at him but Bobalina comes in and tells him not to. Blah blah blah. Let's fast forward to the part where he tells about fatman. *  
  
Stillman: He was the imperor of explosives  
  
* The FMV movie is shown where Stillman tells about Fatman. But instead of Fatman we see Fat Bastard from Austin Powers: TSWSM *  
  
Stillman: Yes, he's had his run-ins with secret agents and he's well trained in the art of bombs. Not too long ago he joined dead cell and now he has the whole big shell wired with explosives. Looks like you two will have to disarm his bombs.  
  
Raiden: I'm no bomb disposal expert.  
  
* Stillman hands him the coolant and tells him what to do. Then Raiden goes out to find the bombs. But he has to take a crap so he runs into the women's bathroom. *  
  
Raiden: Ahh. . .I've been needing to do this sense strut A.  
  
* Suddenly Raiden hears a ticking sound and smells a terrible smell. He looks down. *  
  
Raiden: What the hell!?  
  
* Raiden is shocked to see a bomb in the very can he's crapping in. He freezes the C4 then contacts Stillman. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Raiden: I've taken care of the C4 in strut C. One of the stalls in the women's bathroom was set to blow.  
  
Stillman: Did the sensor pick up his scent?  
  
Raiden: I didn't need a sensor to pick up that scent.  
  
Stillman: . . .  
  
Raiden: Anything wrong Pete?  
  
Stillman: What would Fat Bastard be doing in the women's restroom? There's something not right about this one. I can feel it.  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* Raiden freezes all the bombs. Bobalina calls them and tells them about the scentless C4. Then Raiden proceeds down to the bottom of Strut A to find the scentless C4. Stillman contacts them just before dying being killed by one of Fat Bastard's bombs. *  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	10. The one where Raiden fights Fortune

Sorry, but I'll have to make a correction in one of my previous chapters. In chapter 4 when bobalina talked about dead cell it said: "Still in FMV mode, the camera draws in closer to the group. We can make out Oprah, a really fat guy, a really fat lady and a soldier dressed in a guard's uniform." I would like to make an addition to the group. Here's how it should have read: (* Still in FMV mode, the camera draws in closer to the group. We can make out Oprah, a really fat guy, a really fat lady, a soldier dressed in a guard's uniform, and another man dressed in tight pants. *) Now, on with the story. . .  
  
* After making his way down to the bottom of Strut A and freezing the bomb, Raiden goes to the room with the elevator but someone seems to be riding the elevator down. Raiden hides behind something. A man dressed in a tight suit walks out carrying a rail gun. It's Richard Simons! The most annoying man on the planet. As he walks towards Raiden even the sea lice on the ground sense his annoying presence and scurry about trying to flee for their lives. *  
  
Richard(or Fortune if you like): My name is Fortune. And I'm too damn happy! No one can shut me up. No one! I've never been unhappy a day in my life and I'm tired of it. Well there was that one time in. . .  
  
* Raiden looks pissed as Richard keeps on talking non-stop. Slowly beads of sweat start poring down his face while Richard sits there chattering away.  
  
Raiden(on the floor in the fetal position): Just Shut the hell up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!  
  
Richard: You look as though you've seen the fires of hell.  
  
* Raiden gets up. Apparently sane again. They go into combat. Richard fires his railgun around laughing at the same time, while Raiden jumps around between the various boxes. This goes on for about five minutes until Raiden contacts Bobalina. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Raiden: Bobalina!  
  
Bobalina(chewing on something): Yeah.  
  
Raiden: What can you tell me about this Fortune?  
  
Bobalina(still eating): He's really annoying. . .bullets can't hit him either. . .other wise someone would have killed him.  
  
Raiden: Bullets can't hit him? Bobalina(still chewing): he's so annoying. . .even bullets stay away from him.  
  
Raiden: Bobalina, what are you eating?  
  
Bobalina(still chewing on something): Explosives. . .C4.  
  
Raiden: What the hell are you doing that for?  
  
Bobalina: Hey, I've ate worse. They're really not that bad. Listen, I've gotta go. . .nature calls.  
  
Raiden(as the codec goes offline): Damnit!  
  
* Richard stops shooting when the elevator behind him comes down. Oprah comes out. *  
  
Oprah(with a deep Phil LaMarr voice): Queen. It seems our friend Fat Bastard is out of control. He's up on top of the harrier jet on the roof of strut E shouting "I'm dead sexy!"  
  
Richard: I'll be happy to go take care of the wayward soul. You know Oprah, I tell ya it's all these fat people in the world that make life hell for us. Why, I ought to go up there, bring a TV and play one of my 30 minute workouts. He'd be in shape in no time.  
  
Oprah: Or I could get him to start drinking slimfast.  
  
Richard: But in the mean time could you kill this fellow here? (he says pointing to Raiden.)  
  
Oprah: He's all mine.  
  
* Raiden pops out and shoots at Richard with his socom but the bullet can't hit him and instead hits Oprah who falls down on the ground *  
  
Richard(holding Oprah): Oprah! Oh damn!  
  
* Raiden gets up and goes up the elevator. *  
  
* While Richard is holding Oprah, Oprah wakes up. *  
  
Richard: Oprah?  
  
* Oprah puts her hand in the pocket that Raiden hit with his socom. She seems to be bleeding in that area. She pulls out a can of strawberry flavored slimfast with a hole in it. 


	11. The one where fat bastard finds the homi...

*Raiden goes back up on top of the Strut E heliport. He then freezes the bomb. Suddenly a large figure on roller blades zooms past him. *  
  
Man: You're right on time I see. I like a punctual man.  
  
* The man finally shows himself. And we see it's Fat Bastard. *  
  
Fat Bastard: Life is short! Bombs tell the every minute of their existance, and nothing else announces its own end with such a fa. . .  
  
* Raiden looks shocked as Fat Bastard quits talking and reaches around in the back of his pants. What's he doing? Raiden wondered. Raiden looks shocked as Fat Bastard starts smiling. Suddenly he pulls out a homing device. *  
  
Fat Bastard: Ahh. . .been meaning to get that out of there.  
  
* Fat Bastard and Raiden start fighting. But in the mean time we are treated to a scene that's not origianally in the game. *  
  
* The masterminds behind the terrorist attack are sitting at a round table. There's Revolver Ocelot, a person who looks very much like French Fry/Rosie O'donell, Jerod from the Subway commercial, and Johnny Sasaki. They are all sitting on chairs, except for Johnny who is sitting on his own special toilet on the end of the table.  
  
Johnny(with a look of strain on his face): We. . .bvrrrrrrrt!. . .must. . . pffffffttt!. . .find. . .pfbvrrrrrrtttthhh. . .the. . .pffftbrttttttt!. . .intruder.  
  
Ocelot: Having another bowell attack?  
  
Johnny(gasping for air): The incidents are becoming more frequent. Could it be that person's presence?  
  
Jerod: Phew! What a smell. I don't think I can stand another meeting.  
  
Ocelot: Nonsense! We have to have these meatings. It makes us look extremely evil sitting at this round table. Like we're up to something.  
  
Johnny: Well, getting down to buisiness,(* Johnny gestures towards the Rosie O'donell look-alike *) you can hunt down the intruder.  
  
Rosie O'donell look-alike: Of course.  
  
Johnny: In the mean time, we have to do something really evil in retaliation to the SEAL's failed assult.  
  
Ocelot: What exactly, master, do you have in mind?  
  
Johnny(with an evil grin on his face): Glad you asked. Something absolutely, positively, evil. Something so terrible, people will cringe at the very mention of my dubious plan. Something people will remember for many years to come.  
  
* Johnny then flushes the toilet, throws his head back, and lets out a long, evil, laugh. *  
  
Johnny: MUAHAAAHAAAHAA!!!  
  
* Thunder booms outside the window as the other's join in the laughter. The camera comes in closer and closer to the toilet's swirling waters until we can see nothing. All the while, we hear evil laughter in the background. * 


	12. The one where Raiden fights the imposter...

* After some time, Raiden infiltrates the shell 1 core, comes out and destroys the semtex detonator units on the connecting bridge. But as he's walking across the bridge, he gets a codec call. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Bobalina: Raiden. We've managed to get the Kasatka. We can now rescue some hostages. We could have had a harrier, but Fat Bastard destroyed it when he was jumping up and down on it shouting "I'm dead sexy!" I'm coming over to where you are right now.  
  
Voice in the background: Almost ready for take off!  
  
Raiden: Who was that!?  
  
Bobalina: That was the gear-head I was telling you about. Raiden, let me introduce you to my partner, Otacon.  
  
* Suddenly Martha Stewart's face appears on the codec screen. *  
  
Raiden: Otacon!?  
  
Martha Stewart: Nice to meet you Raiden.  
  
* Suddenly Martha/Otacon looks away from the codec screen with a concerned look on her face. *  
  
Martha: French Fry, we've got trouble.  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* Raiden then contacts colonel *  
  
Raiden: Colonel! I need some answers from you. Who exactly is this Bobalina and her partner?  
  
Colonel: I have no idea.  
  
Raiden: Colonel. What are you keeping from me?  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* after a short wait, Raiden sees the Kasatka fly over head. Bobalina gives him a wave, and they circle back around. Suddenly, Raiden notices a round, dark figure over in the corner. He turns to see someone who looks very much like Bobalina. *  
  
Person: I've been waiting for you Jack. . . . Where do I know him from?  
  
Raiden: Who are you?  
  
Person: Glad you asked. I am the one, the only, French Fry!  
  
Bobalina: No! That is not French Fry!  
  
* As Bobalina hangs out of the chopper. The sudden inbalance of the weight causes the chopper to almost tip over. *  
  
Martha: French Fry! Stop moving.  
  
Person: Glad you could join the party. Fry.  
  
Raiden: Fry?  
  
* The chopper lowers a little. French Fry/Bobalina hangs out pointing an M4 at the imposter. This is one instance where she feels the need to use a gun. She then shoots at the imposter but the bullets bounce of her blubbery stomach. *  
  
Bobalina: Damn!  
  
* She then loads a grenade in the under barrol M203 grenade launcher and shoots it at the imposter knocking her of the connecting bridge. But after a short wait, a crane arm rises up hoisting the hefty Rosie O'donell look- alike. The crane arm swings it's heavy load around. Raiden jumps out of the way as the heavy "wrecking ball" crashes it's way through the connecting bridge. *  
  
Imposter: Now I'm gonna make you pay!  
  
* Raiden pulls out his M4 and shoots the thick crane cable that's holding up the Rosie O'donell look-alike. She falls down to the water but suddenly the metal gear from the tanker chapter(which is now designated metal gear Roy by the way) which looks like a giant vending machine comes out of the water. The imposter falls through the grab slot and the metal gear dissapears. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Rosie: Raiden. Great work.  
  
Raiden: Listen, I've got one thing to ask you. Are you really French Fry?  
  
Rosie: . . .  
  
Raiden: French Fry! They said you were dead.  
  
Rosie: No. Not me. I've still got too many things to do.  
  
Raiden: French Fry, why go back to all this? Why keep fighting?  
  
Rosie: Revenge mostly.  
  
Raiden: Revenge?  
  
Rosie: Yes, revenge. Would you quit repeating everything I say?  
  
Raiden: Oh, sorry. Revenge for who?  
  
Rosie: The Patriots!  
  
Raiden: Who?  
  
Rosie: After Otacon and I shot that K-mart commercial, the Patriots feared we would bring our foul influence on the minds of people everywhere.  
  
Raiden: What foul influence?  
  
Martha: Rosie. That is, French Fry has an obvious weight problem. The patriots were worried that an overabundance of fat people like her would cause a food shortage.  
  
Raiden: How could one person cause a food shortage?  
  
Martha: Well think about it. It's estimated that every day 148 billion pounds of food is made/processed, and there are eight billion people living in the world. Rosie eats about 450 lbs of various foods each day. At that rate, there could be a massive food shortage in less than a year if everyone ate as much. What's eight billion times 450?  
  
Rosie: Otacon, this isn't second grade math.  
  
Martha: . . .  
  
Raiden: If they want to avoid world hunger, then why do you appose them?  
  
Martha: Hello! They caused our K-MART ads to go off the air.  
  
Raiden: Then I have one more question. Who was that person who claimed he was French Fry?  
  
Rosie: That was the third clone of Big Bertha. Cheeseburger.  
  
Raiden: Another clone?  
  
Martha: Yeah. French Fry and Cheeseburger are exactly the same on the genetic level. In fact, Cheesburger could very well be the real Rosie O'donell. We're not sure.  
  
Raiden: How do we tell them apart?  
  
Martha: Well for one thing, French Fry usually wears a bandana. Also, you can usualy spot a ketchup stain on her shirt.  
  
Raiden: One more thing. Why are all the clones of Big Bertha named after fast food? Who gave them their codenames?  
  
Rosie: Huh? I gave myself my codename. 


	13. The one where Raiden fights Cheeseburger...

* Once again we are treated to a scene originally taken out of the game. As Raiden walks on top of another strut. He sees Cheesburger sunbathing in a lawn chair, laying down with the sun glaring off her huge gut, on the strut roof in a bathing suit. The bottom piece of the bathing suit reads "home of the whopper" on the back. She seems almost asleep as the waves crash gently against the side of the strut.*  
  
Raiden(while pointing his gun at her): Well look, a beached whale.  
  
* She turns over on her side. *  
  
Cheesburger: What!? You again. Why hasn't dead cell done something about you?  
  
Raiden: Well, your dead weight does something to me. Makes me want to puke!  
  
Cheesburger: You're just jealous you don't have a body like mine.  
  
* After that her lawn chair caves in. *  
  
Cheeseburger: Damn Russian Spetsnaz lawn chair!  
  
Raiden: It's time we had a real fight. This time you don't have that crane to lug you around.  
  
Cheesburger: I would eat you for breakfast.  
  
Raiden: Looks like I won't be the first one.  
  
* outraged at this insult, Cheeseburger thrusts all two tons of herself at Raiden. Raiden dives to the side. When Cheeseburger falls down she makes a huge dent in the floor. She can't get up so she starts rolling. But because of her particularly round shape she can't stop and she rolls right off the roof. *  
  
Raiden: Heh. I feel sorry for the water she fell on.  
  
* Then Raiden proceeds to shell 2. When he gets to there he hears a noise from a room marked "men's". He uses the directional microphone to listen in. He hears two guys in different stalls in the bathroom conversing. *  
  
Ocelot: I'm really glad I could talk to you about your dubious plans, but did we have to do it in here?  
  
Johnny: Listen Ocelot, do you really wanna go back to the meeting room? It smells terrible in there.  
  
Ocelot: Johnny, you should really see a doctor or someone about this problem. You can't just keep switching rooms after you've made them smell like hell. At this rate, next week you'll have stinked up the whole big shell. Where are you gonna run to then?  
  
Johnny: Do you think they'll let me back in New York city?  
  
Ocelot: You clogged up their sewege system. Even if the Mayor permitted you back into the city, those sewage workers who had to scoop out your crap would surely run you out.  
  
Johnny: Oh man, it's hopeless.  
  
Ocelot: But don't worry. You've got your master plan to back you up.  
  
Johnny: . . .  
  
Ocelot: You do have a master plan don't you?  
  
Johnny: No. I just made that up at the meeting so everyone would like me.  
  
Ocelot: Whaa!?  
  
Johnny(sobbing): The truth is. I'm a high school droppout. I couldn't think of a plan to save my worthless butt. Ever since high school I've had the worst luck.  
  
Ocelot: Now, there, there, Johnny. That's not true.  
  
Johnny(still sobbing): Yes it is. That one time when Oprah was practicing her quick draw with the slimfast can and accidentally hit Cheesburger in the eye and made her fall off that balcony who did she fall on?  
  
Ocelot: You. Sir.  
  
Johnny: And who do the sea gulls crap on every time we all go outside to supervise the completion of the big shell?  
  
Ocelot(snickering): That would be you. Sir.  
  
Johnny: And who gets hit with a bowell attack every time we'r. . .  
  
Ocelot: Allright! I get what you're saying. But I still say your luck isn't all that bad.  
  
Johnny(sobbing even more): Yes it is. I suck. And there's only one way I can make myself feel better.  
  
Ocelot: And how's that?  
  
Johnny: I have to sing.  
  
Ocelot: On the can?  
  
Johnny(still sobbing): Yeah I thought everyone did it. Well, anyway when I'm feeling down I like to sing those cool Linkin Park songs.  
  
Ocelot: You mean those annoyin. . .  
  
Johnny: Listen Ocelot! I may be down in the dumps right now, but I'm still the leader of this takeover and the current commander of the Spetsnaz army so I suggest you don't insult my music. Capiesh?  
  
Ocelot: Oh. Sorry sir. Wait, isn't Jerod the leader of the Spetsnaz army?  
  
Johnny(sobbing uncontrollably): ENOUGH!!! Now I've really got to sing.  
  
* Johnny starts singing *  
  
Johnny: I had to fall, to loose it aaaahhhlllll  
  
But in the end, it doesn't even matter  
  
I had to fall to loose it aaaaahhhllllll  
  
But in the end, it doesn't even maaaterrrrrrrrruuurrr  
  
* Johnny stops singing *  
  
Johnny(still sobbing): Oh, what's the use? Once I get back and the others find out about how I didn't have a plan, they'll kill me.  
  
* Johnny takes a lot of toilet paper off the roll and blows his nose on it *  
  
Johnny: I feel like my whole life is just being flushed down the can.  
  
* Ocelot in the next stall, upon hearing that, looks down at the can he's sitting on. *  
  
Ocelot: Johnny, that's it! You're a genious!  
  
Johnny: Huh, wha? What'd I say?  
  
Ocelot: The can! That's it. Come on Johnny we've got some work to do.  
  
Johnny: Wait. I've got to wipe my ass.  
  
Ocelot: Oh. Ok.  
  
* Johnny looks at the roll and sees that when he blew his nose he used the last of the toilet paper. *  
  
Johnny: Damn!  
  
* Johnny and Ocelot rush by and exit the strut. Raiden then contacts French Fry. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Raiden: French Fry, what can you tell me about this Johnny Sasaki?  
  
Rosie: Well you may have been familiar with an incident similar to the one we're in right now. It happened in an offshore thing like this quite a while back.  
  
Raiden: Yeah. They briefed me on that.  
  
French Fry: Yeah, well, Dead Cell was involved. But there were different members at the time. Fortune, Solidus, Vamp, and Fatman. And by the way, the Fortune that's here now is a different one. Anyway, as you've no doubt heard, Vamp got his powers many years ago when that church was destroyed. The roof caved in and he had nothing to drink but the blood of the people who were trapped with him. He was then pierced with a crucifix and he got his powers.  
  
Raiden: Yeah, I know you don't have to explain it to me.  
  
French Fry: Well, anyway. Johnny just happened to be attending that church that day. He went to the bathroom just before the church was destroyed. A huge piece of the roof fell in front of the door and he was trapped in there with nothing to eat but the laxatives that whoever had come in before him had left. And that explains his sudden "bowell attacks"  
  
Raiden: Hmm. Poor guy. 


	14. The one where Raiden talks to the presid...

* After listening in to the two masterminds conversing, Raiden goes to find the president. He gets the remote control nikita missle launcher, fires it through the vents, and destroys the control panel to the electrified floor in front of the president's room. He enters the President's room. He sees the president. It's rapper Eminem! *  
  
Raiden: President Eminem!  
  
Eminem: Yo yo my homey dawg!  
  
Raiden: I'm here to rescue you.  
  
Eminem: No diggaty. Fo shure!  
  
Raiden: Would you quit talking like a negro?  
  
Eminem: Come again.  
  
Raiden(holding up a mirror): You're white.  
  
Eminem: My god! I'm white? You mean I'm no brother?  
  
Raiden: I'm sure it's a big shock, but I need to ask you. Are you working for the terrorists? I heard you gave them your vital ID so they could launch an atomic missle thingy.  
  
Eminem: If you would have asked me two hours ago, my answer would have been yes. But now they're just keeping me alive untill my vital signs can be reconfirmed again.  
  
Raiden: But why did you do it in the first place.  
  
Eminem: I was tired of being an expendable pawn. I wanted to wield the power of a king.  
  
Raiden: But you do have power. You're the president.  
  
Eminem: No. I'm just a pawn. The Patriots selected me as a president.  
  
Raiden: Selected you!? What are you talking about?  
  
Eminem: Do you think public opinion influences government? The Patriots selected me for the presidency because of my sudden popularity I'd gotten from my new album The Eminem Show.  
  
Raiden: That's crazy!  
  
Eminem: It's the truth. Democracy is just a filler for text books.  
  
Raiden: So what can you tell me about the patriots plans?  
  
Eminem: Well, they believe that an over-abundance of fat people could lead to global starvation.  
  
Raiden: Then why do we oppose them? And how are they gonna use a bomb to avoid global starvation?  
  
Eminem: The bomb won't explode on the surface. Instead it will erupt within the atmosphere and make a EMMA pulse of up to 50 billion megawats, disabling all electronics in that area. As a result, vending machines, microwave ovens, refrigerators, everything that has the ability to store or cook food will be useless. And we will all have to rely on the new metal gear prototype to dish out subways low fat food.  
  
Raiden: So where do the fat people come in to all of this?  
  
Eminem: Terribly fat people like your friend, Rosie O'donell, have a layer of blubber that they can live off of for years and during that time they'd be independent from the patriots control. I guess the Patriots fear this kind of independence.  
  
Raiden: Okay, so what can you tell me about the new type of metal gear being developed here?  
  
Eminem: I'll tell you what I know. The metal gear which you saw was Metal Gear Roy. It's what dishes out the subway sandwiches. And the terrorists are already at work on a new type of metal gear, they started work a few minutes ago. Upon seeing it, you'll surely note that Johnny Sasaki had something to do with the design.  
  
* The camera goes into FMV/cinema mode and we see the new type of metal gear. We see a giant metalic toilet. *  
  
Eminem: Let me introduce you to the Metal Gear John. The Patriots latest masterpiece.  
  
* Still in FMV mode, we see the huge metal gear. Easily larger than a large building. *  
  
Raiden(apparently able to see the toilet in FMV mode): A giant toilet? But why?  
  
Eminem: Well, if you look at it, you'll see that it'd be absolutely perfect on the battle field. See the bowl? See it's round shape? Perfect base. And it has walls with 60 feet of steel. It's more than capable of keeping anyone inside safe from any attacks. What's more, just lower the seat, and you've got a bomb shelter. Who ever invented the toilet in the first place had combat in mind.  
  
Raiden: A giant mechanized toilet. Those bastards!  
  
Eminem: But that's not all it's capable of. Right now it's being developed at the base of the big shell. In retaliation for the SEAL's failed assult, they're planning on opening the lid, and flushing down the entire Manhatten Harbor.  
  
Raiden: Oh, this is just great.  
  
Eminem: There's one more thing.  
  
Raiden: There's more?  
  
Eminem: They also have a backup plan. In a secret strut connected to shell 2, there's a big asylum. It holds some of the most notorious retards. We're talking guys with serious problems. If all else fails, they'll release these people and they could cause global chaos.  
  
Raiden: Who exactly are they?  
  
Eminem: Oh you'll know soon enough, but we're running out of time. There's one last thing you have to do. You have to kill me.  
  
Raiden: I can't kill you. You're Eminem. I'd be hated by the general public. You're a rapper, man!  
  
Eminem: I'm also the president.  
  
Raiden: Yeah, that too.  
  
Eminem: You have to kill me my vital signs are going to be reconfirmed again.  
  
* As you all know, Ocelot comes in and shoots the president. But for my story I'm going to do something a little different. Ocelot takes Raiden hostage after shooting the president and throws him in the asylum with all the retards.  
  
Well, that concludes my story. For now. As always, please review. 


	15. The one where Raiden is thrown in the as...

* After Raiden is captured, Ocelot takes him to the asylum Eminem was talking about. Raiden enters the room and we see a room full of "special" people. The camera takes us over to the bottom right corner of the room where Sweet Tooth and Calypso are talking.*  
  
Sweet Tooth: Okay, I won you're little contest. Now please put an end to my curse! Make the flames on my head go away!  
  
* Calypso has a very pissed look on his face. He grabs his glass of water and poors it on the top of Sweet Tooth's head, effectively putting out the flames. *  
  
* The camera takes us to another part of the room where we see Brittani Spears. She seems preocupied with dancing to her own music. She does a high kick thingy and hits herself in the face, knocking herself out. Then we are taken to another part of the room where Jar Jar Binks and Boss Nass are talking. *  
  
Boss Nass: Jar Jar, I'sa have an itch. Could you scratch mesa's ass?  
  
Jar Jar: Eww. It's all green and slimy.  
  
* Then the camera takes us back to where Raiden is. He sees Rosie and Martha Stewart, who apparently have been captured to. He walks over to them. Rosie has a straight jacket on and a muzzle over her face. *  
  
Raiden: French Fry. Otacon.  
  
Martha: Hello  
  
Raiden: What happened to French Fry?  
  
Martha: She got a little hungry and she started gnawing on one of the guard's fingers.  
  
Rosie(barely understandable because of the muzzle): The food here sucks.  
  
Raiden: Listen. Rosie, Otacon. We've gotta find a way out of here. Once they complete Arsenal Gear it's all over.  
  
Rosie: It's hopeless, I give up.  
  
Raiden: They're planning on forcing us all to live on lowfat subway food.  
  
Rosie: Then again, I'm sure I could find some way out.  
  
Martha: But what are we going to do?  
  
Raiden: Don't worry. Leave it to me. I've got a plan. 


	16. The one where Cheeseburger gets her groo...

* The scene unfolds in a large room in one of the struts where the masterminds and some other no good terrorist people have met to celebrate the genious of their evil scheme. There are tables with food and punch, and lots of people wearing nice clothes standing around below a stage. Up on stage talking right now is Revolver Ocelot. *  
  
Ocelot: Tonight we will finish construction of the metal gear you've all heard so much about. I invite all of you to celebrate our evil scheme tonight. So I'm gonna turn the stage over to Johnny Sasaki, the mastermind behind metal gear John, and and his band, "The Cursed Laxatives"  
  
* Croud applauds *  
  
Johnny(stepping on stage): Thank you! I'd just like to thank Ocelot for discovering my singing talents that one time when we were discussing our evil plan in one of this shell's restrooms.  
  
* Ocelot blushes *  
  
Johnny: And before I begin I'd just like to tell you all a little about the song I'm gonna play tonight. It's sort of my version of "Last Resort" by Popa Roach. I made it up when I was having a bowell attack in a church years ago. I was trapped inside and had the most horrible crap. I felt like I was going to suffocate in there. And I could not get the door open. But I couldn't stop crapping either. Well, here it is.  
  
* Johnny begins singing. *  
  
Johnny: Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort.  
  
* Jerod starts in on the drums and Oprah starts in on the bass. *  
  
  
  
Suffocation, No breathing, Don't give a f*** if my ass starts bleeding!  
  
* Suddenly, upon hearing the music, Cheeseburger pulls her head out of the punch bowl and runs out in the middle of the crowd ready to get her groove on. *  
  
* The croud backs away from her as she swings her heavy arms and hips around and starts to break dance. When Ocelot starts in on the electric guitar and plays that funky guitar part, she begins to do tommy flares and head spins. *  
  
Johnny: This is my last resort!  
  
* Cheeseburger continues to spin. *  
  
Johnny: Cut my life into pieces! I've reached my last resort, soffocation, no breathing. Don't give a f*** if my ass starts 'a bleeding. Do you even care if my ass is bleeding?  
  
* Meanwhile, back at the asylum, Raiden, Martha, Rosie, and the other retards that inhabit the asylum are huddled together. Inside the huddle, we see many strange people. One is standing in a pool of his own drool, one of them is petting a cat that has obviously been dead for quite some time. He makes believe he's feeding the cat but when he shoves the strip of bacon in its mouth it just falls out and on to the floor. One seems content to sit by himself and sniff his own farts. And then there are two siamese twins. One of the twin has his head attached to the other's ass. *  
  
Raiden(gesturing to the two guards who block the doorway): Alright guys, we need some of you to distract those guards. Tim(Raiden says motioning toward the guy with the dead cat), you make them think you're being attacked by your cat. Joe(Raiden says motioning towards the guy who drools a lot) when the guards come, you spit your vile acid spit in their eyes. The rest of us will crawl through the vents and try to escape.  
  
Martha: But what about French Fry? She can't fit through the vents.  
  
Raiden: Hmm. Never thought about it. I guess she'll have to stay behind and escape with the other two. French Fry, you'll just have to get the key after Joe spits in the guard's eyes.  
  
Rosie: Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.  
  
Raiden: Alright guys. Let's do it!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	17. The one where Jerod gets stuck

* The guards guarding the door to the asylum notice one of the "mentaly challenged" people being attacked by a strange rotten beast similar to the ones in resident evil. They run over to help him but they get spit in the eyes by a vile acid-like substance. In the mean time, Raiden and Martha escape through the vents. Just as they are leaving Rosie delivers the final blow. She stands on top of the table and does a belly flop on the guards.*  
  
Raiden(while crawling through the vents): Otacon, where do these vents lead to?  
  
Martha: I'm not sure. Wait!.do I hear music?  
  
Raiden: Sounds like it's coming from below us.  
  
* The camera draws away from the vents and we see the place from the previous chapter. The many terrorists and bad guys are still celebrating and Johnny's almost done with his song. Cheeseburger lays on the floor exhausted, sweat dripping down her face, from the break dancing. Johnny and his band are almost done with the song when Raiden and Martha fall through the vents in the ceiling and on to the stage. *  
  
Johnny: What the!?  
  
* Raiden and Martha get up as the terrorists point their guns at them. *  
  
Ocelot: Hmm. Thought I put them in the asylum. Oh well, wouldn't hurt to just kill 'em.  
  
* Suddenly a sort of Cyborg Ninja jumps on stage from out of nowhere. The terrorists shoot but it blocks all of their bullets with it's sword. *  
  
Ninja: Hurry! Get away!  
  
* Raiden and Martha make their way to a long hallway. As they run down it, Rosie catches up with them. *  
  
Rosie(gasping for air): Slow down guys!  
  
Martha: Rosie! You made it!  
  
Rosie: I don't think I can run much longer.  
  
* Suddenly Rosie stops and sniffs the air. Martha and Raiden stop too and look at Rosie curiously. *  
  
Raiden: French Fry. What is it?  
  
Rosie(with a deep set scowl on her face): Healthy, lowfat, food.  
  
Martha: French Fry, come on!  
  
* Suddenly Jerod appears from around the corner. *  
  
Jerod: Hello, my arch nemesis.  
  
Rosie(talking to Raiden and Martha Stewart): You two go on. I've got some unfinished buisiness to take care of.  
  
* Raiden and Martha leave. *  
  
Jerod: Where were we? Ah yes, you were losing.  
  
Rosie: If you mean three years ago on the tanker, I kicked your ass.  
  
Jerod: All you did was turn around and bend over.  
  
Rosie: Yeah, and that was all it took.  
  
Jerod: Oh really? Well it just so happens that I've evened things up this time around. Our families have been fighting for years and now we will settle this just like our families used to in the good 'ol days. Choose your weapon!  
  
* Rosie pulls out two forks. Jerod whips an M4 out of his back pocket. *  
  
Rosie: Hmm. Nice choice. . .for a wimp. But I'll have to worn you, I'm pretty good with these things. *she says as she twirls the forks around on her fingers.*  
  
Jerod: I don't doubt it.  
  
* Jerod lets out a yell as he fires his M4 at Rosie. But Rosie twirls her forks around really fast and blocks all the bullets. *  
  
Jerod(after using up his clip): Damn!  
  
* Jerod pulls out subway pepperonies with razor-sharp edges. *  
  
Jerod(as he throws them at Rosie): Die!!!  
  
* Rosie lets out a long, loud, belch that sends a gust of wind toward Jerod's pepperonies, causing them to fly back in his face. *  
  
* Jerod, with pure hatred on his face, runs at Rosie. But she turns around and attempts to butt-bump Jerod. But instead of bouncing away, Jerod gets stuck between Rosie's two enormous butt cheeks. *  
  
Jerod: Let me go!  
  
Rosie: Sorry, but when things get stuck in there they rarely get out. I've lost tons of stuff in there. Clothes, furniture, you name it.  
  
Jerod: Ah man, I'm screwed!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
(as always, please review) 


	18. The one where Rosie reveals her hemmoroi...

* Rosie catches back up with Raiden and Martha. She still has Jerod hanging out of her ass. When Jerod hears the voice of Martha and Raiden, he cries for help. *  
  
Jerod: Help!!!  
  
Martha: Rosie, what have you got back there?  
  
Rosie: Let's just say it's a terd that won't come out.  
  
Raiden: Is that Jerod?  
  
Rosie: Yeah, he got brave and tried to tackle me. Looks like he won't make that mistake again.  
  
Jerod: You all have to help me. I think I'm slowly being pulled in. I'm in about six inches further now than when I first got stuck.  
  
Rosie: Ahh, too bad. That's about how deep my hemmoroid is.  
  
Jerod: What!!? GET ME THE HELL OUTA HERE!!!  
  
* Jerod starts wriggling trying to get out. *  
  
Rosie(laughing): Stop, that tickles.  
  
Martha: Rosie, maybe you should just let him go.  
  
Raiden: Yeah, I know he's a bad guy, but no one deserves to be stuck in there.  
  
* Jerod continues trying to pull his way out. *  
  
Rosie(talking to Jerod): I tell you, sometimes I could swear that hemmoroid is evil. Sometimes it bleeds terribly. Sometimes I fart and a bloody mist puffs out.  
  
Jerod: Oh my God!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!!!  
  
* Jerod pulls with every ounce of strength he has and finally gets out. *  
  
Jerod: That's it! I'm so outa here!  
  
* Jerod runs off. *  
  
Raiden: Man, I'll bet that guy's scarred for life.  
  
Martha: Well, now that that's over with, we've got to get back to the mission. Raiden, you'll have to find my brother. He should be able to insert some kind of virus inside John's GW.  
  
Raiden: I didn't realize metal gear john was that complicated.  
  
Martha: You should be able to find him in this shell. So get to work.  
  
Raiden: So who exactly is your brother?  
  
Martha: You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Just wait untill you get to the room he's in.  
  
Rosie: If she told you, you probably wouldn't want to find him.  
  
* Raiden, French Fry and Otacon go there separate ways. *  
  
  
  
P.S. Thanks for all the reviews, but I'd still love to see more. Oh yeah, visit my site at geocities, http://www.geocities.com/killur_site 


	19. The one where Rosie falls for the trap a...

[pic]* Rosie catches back up with Raiden and Martha. She still has Jerod hanging out of her ass. When Jerod hears the voice of Martha and Raiden, he cries for help. *  
  
Jerod: Help!!!  
  
Martha: Rosie, what have you got back there?  
  
Rosie: Let's just say it's a terd that won't come out.  
  
Raiden: Is that Jerod?  
  
Rosie: Yeah, he got brave and tried to tackle me. Looks like he won't make that mistake again.  
  
Jerod: You all have to help me. I think I'm slowly being pulled in. I'm in about six inches further now than when I first got stuck.  
  
Rosie: Ahh, too bad. That's about how deep my hemmoroid is.  
  
Jerod: What!!? GET ME THE HELL OUTA HERE!!!  
  
* Jerod starts wriggling trying to get out. *  
  
Rosie(laughing): Stop, that tickles.  
  
Martha: Rosie, maybe you should just let him go.  
  
Raiden: Yeah, I know he's a bad guy, but no one deserves to be stuck in there.  
  
* Jerod continues trying to pull his way out. *  
  
Rosie(talking to Jerod): I tell you, sometimes I could swear that hemmoroid is evil. Sometimes it bleeds terribly. Sometimes I fart and a bloody mist puffs out.  
  
Jerod: Oh my God!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!!!  
  
* Jerod pulls with every ounce of strength he has and finally gets out. *  
  
Jerod: That's it! I'm so outa here!  
  
* Jerod runs off. *  
  
Raiden: Man, I'll bet that guy's scarred for life.  
  
Martha: Well, now that that's over with, we've got to get back to the mission. Raiden, you'll have to find my brother. He should be able to insert some kind of virus inside John's GW.  
  
Raiden: I didn't realize metal gear john was that complicated.  
  
Martha: You should be able to find him in this shell. So get to work.  
  
Raiden: So who exactly is your brother?  
  
Martha: You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Just wait untill you get to the room he's in.  
  
Rosie: If she told you, you probably wouldn't want to find him.  
  
* Raiden, French Fry and Otacon go there separate ways. *  
  
  
  
P.S. Thanks for all the reviews, but I'd still love to see more. Oh yeah, visit my site at geocities, http://www.geocities.com/killur_site 


	20. The one where Otacon learns of an even m...

CONTINUED. . .(see how much crude humor you can stand.)  
  
* Vamp and Raiden fight, but in the mean time we're taken to Otacon's scene. Otacon walks out into some sort of balcony above a giant laboratory and sees something huge suspended from the center of the ceiling, down to the room's floor. Some kind of capsule. *  
  
Otacon: Weird.  
  
* Otacon walks over to it and sees what it is. A giant capsule with Fat Bastard inside. Apparantly being cryogenically(spelling?) frozen. Just then the door she came through shuts and she whirls around to see who's there. *  
  
Ocelot(after shutting the door): Well, well. What do we have here? Some sort of escaped lab rat?  
  
Otacon: May I ask why the hell you're freezing Fat Bastard, and why didn't you at least put a pair of pants on him?  
  
Ocelot: He has an interesting collection of scabies.  
  
(author's note: OK, by now some of you may have looked up the term "scabies." Open any dictionary or use any search engine and you'll probably see them classified as just some sort of lice. But the truth is, the Patriots have supressed such information because they don't want the public to learn the truth of these unique critters. It might create some sort of global panic. They have edited such dictionaries and internet search engines to their liking but I, clipwaster, have a book with the genuine definition of scabies. My 9th grade health book. Apparently un- edited by the Patriots. They are a kind of lice, but not just any ordinary lice. They inhabit a certain, ahem. . .area. Okay, now that I've grossed you all out and lost most of my audience, I'll continue with the story.)  
  
Otacon: Oh my God!!! Do I even want to know what you're gonna use them for?  
  
Ocelot: No but I'm gonna tell you anyway. Fat Bastard has some sort of "genetically altered" scabies. Able to even disguise themselves as sea lice.  
  
Otacon: Oh my God!!! French Fry's hamburger had sea lice in it!  
  
Ocelot(while gagging): Otacon! I don't really care!  
  
Otacon: . . .  
  
Ocelot: Anyway, to help keep people under control after we control the world, we plan to create a special pill that looks very much like the olives found in Subway sandwiches. The pills will contain the little fellas in 'em. And if anyone gets any funny ideas about possibly taking us on, we have a special control unit connected to a satelite. All we need do is push a button and the scabie pill in any selected individual will erupt.  
  
Otacon: You sick bastard!  
  
Ocelot(smiling evily): Yes. I know. Now, TAKE HER AWAY!!!  
  
* A bunch of guards come out and take martha/otacon prisoner. *  
  
(meantime. Back with Raiden and Oprah.)  
  
* Oprah is up on top of the railings jumping around shooting slimfast. She accidentally spills some slimfast on the railings in front of her and when she steps there, she slips and falls. *  
  
Oprah(as she hits the ground): Arrrgh!  
  
* Oprah jumps back in the water and starts swimming. Raiden finally finishes her by shooting her with his M4. She dies. Raiden then proceeds to the place where Otacon's brother is located. He sees a lone man sitting in the middle of the room playing a piano. *  
  
Raiden: Are you Martha's brother?  
  
* The man turns around surprised. We see his face. It's Elton John! *  
  
Elton: Whaa!? Oh, hey there. You scared me.  
  
* Elton eyes Raiden up and down. *  
  
Elton: Nice suit!  
  
Raiden(quietly): Oh great!  
  
Elton: Hey. Wanna let me in it too?  
  
Raiden: Listen, I've got to get you out of here.  
  
Elton: Now!? But why so soon? Don't you want to listen to one of my songs?  
  
Raiden: That's okay, really we've got to be goin. . .  
  
* Elton ignores Raiden and begins playing. About half-way through the love song, they both feel a huge shake in the floor. *  
  
Raiden: Look! We've got to get out of here. The place is about to flood sewage out of the walls.  
  
Elton: I can't! The truth is, I'm afraid of the sewage. The sewage wants to get me! It wants to eat me!  
  
Raiden: That's ridiculous! Look, we have to get out of here before the place gets flooded.  
  
Elton(while the camera shows a cinema showing a flashback): I'm afraid of the sewage. When I was a kid and lived in New York, there was this big sewage problem. Me and my parents were playing out in the yard when suddenly, there was this shaking. Then a big puddle of sewage portruded up from the ground and swallowed my dad like quick sand.  
  
Raiden: So that's why you're afraid of it. Well, listen, we've got too options. Either we stay here and let the sewage swallow us up, or we try to get out of here and have a chance of living.  
  
Elton: . . .well, alright.  
  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED Author's note: Listen people, this is my 20th chapter and I have 13 reviews right now. 13! 13's an unlucky number so quick, someone, write a review! Or else I'll show you how unlucky 13 is by sicking my attack scabies on you! 


	21. The one where Rosie learns that with gre...

* The sceen unfolds in the room where they are keeping Rosie. Rosie is asleep on the floor, when suddenly the door up above her opens and Otacon is thrown down on top of her but it doesn't seem to wake her. *  
  
Rosie(talking in her sleep): But I didn't do it. I didn't eat your wedding cake Mr. And Mrs. Sterwart.  
  
Otacon(nudging Rosie trying to get her awake): Rosie.  
  
Rosie(waking up): Oh, Otacon, is that you?  
  
Otacon: Yeah, Ocelot found me and threw me in here with you. Still having dreams about my wedding? Man, that must have some wedding cake you had if you're still having dreams about it.  
  
Rosie: Otacon, I said I didn't do it.  
  
Otacon: It's okay Rosie. That was a long time ago, I've forgiven you.  
  
Rosie: I still say I didn't do it.  
  
* Otacon gasps when she looks over at a wall and sees a huge hole started in it. *  
  
Otacon: French Fry, how'd this happen?  
  
Rosie: I don't know. I just had this urge to bite something.  
  
Otacon: I knew your jaws were powerfull, but this is just weird.  
  
Rosie: . . .  
  
Otacon: Wait! The sea lice that were in your hamburger!  
  
Rosie: Yeah, what about 'em?  
  
Otacon: I just learned that the terrorists are experimenting with Fat Bastard's genetically-altered scabies. They have the ability to morph into sea lice to disguise themselves.  
  
Rosie: You mean, I ate. . .?  
  
* Otacon nods her head *  
  
Rosie: OH MY GOD!!!  
  
* Rosie runs over in the corner of the room and throws up. *  
  
Otacon: When you ate them, they must have somehow given you their powers!  
  
Rosie: Really!? Great! . . .wait a minute, what powers do scabies have?  
  
Otacon: Who knows? Maybe they can jump really far. Maybe they can climb really well. Of course, we already know they have super strong jaws.  
  
* Rosie tries to jump, but lands back on her ass. She tries climbing, but that doesn't work either. *  
  
Otacon: Well, looks like the only powers you've gotten is super strong jaws. Now quick! Start chewing. I'll contact Raiden to see how things are.  
  
* codec beeps *  
  
Otacon: Raiden! How are things?  
  
Raiden: I've got you're brother.  
  
* Suddenly, Otacon is aware of a really pissed look on Raiden's face. *  
  
Raiden: Otacon, why didn't you tell me your brother was Elton John?  
  
Otacon: Well, you never asked.  
  
* Otacon hears piano music in the background. *  
  
Otacon: Oh. . .well. . .Raiden, my simpathies.  
  
Raiden: Listen, we've got out of the shell's core. Where are you right now?  
  
Otacon: I got discovered. They threw me in this cell with Fry. There's no way out, but Fry's chewing a hole in the wall.  
  
Raiden: Oh. . .impressive. . .I guess. So what's the plan now?  
  
Otacon: They're about to launch Metal Gear John. We've got to re-group and stop it before it's too late!  
  
Raiden: Right. Raiden, out.  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* The camera takes us to Raiden and Elton John. Their clothes are soaked in the overflowing sewage. *  
  
Elton: I'm hungry.  
  
Raiden: Good. Maybe you can lick the crap off me.  
  
Elton(while softly punching Raiden on the shoulder): Huhuh, yeah, right. You're funny.  
  
Raiden(punching him even harder on the shoulder): Shut up you gay f***  
  
Elton: Hey, that wasn't very nice. But I'll forgive you.  
  
Raiden: Whatever. Hey, you're not afraid of heights are you?  
  
Elton: No more than I'm afraid of sewage, why?  
  
Raiden: We're gonna have to climb down this ladder.  
  
Elton: Oh, OK.  
  
* The two begin to climb down the ladder. * 


	22. The one where Rosie can't hold it in

* Rosie finally chews a hole in the wall. Otacon and Rosie go their separate ways. Otacon runs to the computer room where Emma dies in the game and Rosie goes out to help Raiden snipe for Elton John. But as she's walking along, she comes across Jerod once more. . . *  
  
Rosie: You again! You just won't go away will you?  
  
Jerod: The last two times we fought, you got lucky, but this time it's gonna be different!  
  
* Jerod whips a flame-thrower out the back pocket. The flamethrower has a flame portruding out the barol, flickering, ready to receive the flamethrower fuel. *  
  
Jerod: Time to cook this piggy!  
  
Rosie(with a smile on her face): I wouldn't do that if I were you.  
  
* Rosie turns around and bends over. Out of her ass comes a huge, bellowing, cloud of methane gas that ignites the flamethrower's little starter flame, which causes it to roar into a blazing inferno cooking jerod's face to a crisp. Jerod staggers over, beaten and badly burnt, and falls on the floor. *  
  
Jerod(laying on the floor): Damn you!!!  
  
Rosie: Looks like I beat you again. But this time It'll be for good.(* She says as she puts Jerod's head under her foot ready to squash him. *)  
  
Jerod: Wait! Maybe we can work something out!  
  
Rosie(smiling): What exactly do you have in mind?  
  
. . .meanwhile. . .  
  
* The camera takes us to the oil fence where you have to snipe for Emma in the game. Elton John begins to walk on the unsturdy, waving, walkway. After triping a few times, and with help from Raiden, who'se sniping for him, he finally makes it behind one of the struts where Raiden can't see him. Raiden uses the directional microphone to listen in. *  
  
(camera takes us inside)  
  
Johnny: Freeze! Who goes there!?  
  
Elton(screaming like a little girl): Ahhh!!! Don't shoot!  
  
* Elton looks around, not able to see the guard and wondering where he is. *  
  
Johnny(from behind one of the stalls): It's okay. I don't have a gun anyway.  
  
Elton: Oh.  
  
Johnny: But I do have some crazy bowells. Better watch out!  
  
Elton: Uhh. . .So you're letting me go?  
  
Johnny: Well. . .Let's just say you're lucky I'm having a bowell attack.  
  
Elton: You know, they have stuff you can use to fix that.  
  
Johnny: They do?. . .I mean, I don't care. I like having a special ability like this. It gives me more character depth.  
  
Elton: . . .  
  
Johnny: Besides! Who are you to tell me what to do anyway!?  
  
Elton: . . .  
  
Johnny: Hey! Answer me! That's it, I'm taking you to the hostage room!  
  
Elton: Uhh. . .Bye!  
  
Johnny: Wait! Get back here!  
  
* Johnny attempts to get up of the can, but is bombarded by yet another "bowell attack."*  
  
Johnny: Damn!  
  
* The camera takes us back to Raiden. He looks up to the place where Snake helps you snipe in the game. Rosie comes out and waves at Raiden. Then she contacts him. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Raiden: Finally!  
  
Rosie: Sorry, had to take care of a few things. How's Elton doing?  
  
Raiden: He's made it past the first strut, we've got to snipe for him. But first, I need to know, what do we plan to do about the hostages?  
  
Rosie: We'll worry about the hostages later. First we've got to snipe for Elton.  
  
Raiden: I've got a PSG1, but what about you? You don't use guns.  
  
Rosie(pulling out a potatoe gun): I don't use guns, but I use this.  
  
Raiden: A potatoe gun?  
  
Rosie: Not a potatoe gun, a potatoe launcher. And I've got 30 potatoes. And one last thing, enough with the calling me french fry thing. It's driving me nuts.  
  
Raiden: But isn't that your codename?  
  
Rosie: Yeah, that's what I said, but I didn't think you would be dumb enough to actually call me that.  
  
Raiden: Okay. Raiden, out.  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* Raiden and Rosie steady their guns and take aim at the obstacles that threaten Elton John's path. Rosie fires a potatoes out of her greatly upgraded potatoe launcher, which actually shoots flaming potatoes, catching a guard on fire. He wriggles around and screams in agony before falling off the strut, all the while, Raiden is sniping with his PSG1. As Elton is walking along, something comes up from the water. It's Oprah! Oprah jumps up on the oil fence and grabs Elton, positioning himself behind him in a hostage-taking position. Raiden and Rosie contact each other by codec. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Raiden: Rosie! It's got Elton!  
  
Rosie: Yeah I noticed.  
  
Raiden: You're gonna have to help me take out Oprah.  
  
Rosie: Sorry, I'm out of ammo.  
  
Raiden: But you said you had 30 potatoes. You've only used five shots.  
  
Rosie: Yeah I know. The rest were duds.  
  
Raiden Rosie, they're potatoes. How can they be duds?  
  
Rosie: . . .Okay I ate 'em!  
  
Raiden: This is just great!  
  
Rosie: Well, this platform I'm laying on is really unstable. Like it's about to fall. I thought if I ate some of my potatoes, that'd take some of the weight off of the platform.  
  
Raiden(with a really pissed look): Then you'll just gain the potatoes weight Einstien!  
  
Rosie: Oh.  
  
Raiden: You can't keep food out of your mouth for five minutes! I can almost hear you getting fatter!  
  
Rosie: Really!? So that's what that strange squaking noise was!  
  
Raiden: That's the sea gulls Rosie.  
  
Rosie: Oh, maybe we should save Otacon's brother right about now.  
  
Raiden: Fine!  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* Raiden and Rosie take aim. Suddenly we hear a rumbling sound come from deep within Rosie's stomach. Rosie hunches over the side railing. Rosie has a surprised, almost terrified look on her face. *  
  
Rosie: My regurgitation-cycle wasn't due 'til next week.  
  
* Suddenly vomit poors uncontrolably out of Rosie's mouth. The vomit poors on top of a claymore, setting it off and blowing Oprah and Elton into smitherines. Raiden and Rosie wait patiently until the smoke blows away but theres nothing left where they once stood except Elton's gay glasses. Raiden contacts Rosie. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Raiden: Damnit Rosie!  
  
Rosie: Ahhh. . .Got it all over me.  
  
Raiden: You killed him!  
  
Rosie: What am I supposed to do? Tell the vomit to hang on for a sec?  
  
Raiden: This is just great! Elton's blown into the water and so is that disc we needed to stop Metal Gear John.  
  
Rosie: I know, Elton's dead! Isn't it wonderfull? Let's dance!  
  
Raiden: The last thing we need right now is an earthquake. Given the new change in circumstances, we should just go straight to Otacon. Maybe she can figure something out.  
  
Rosie: Ok. Rosie, out  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. . .  
  
author's note: Special thanks to Solid Smith and Blue Moose(these aren't real names allright) 


	23. The one where Johnny and Ocelot are plot...

* As the codec goes offline, Rosie is still hunched over the railing from her vomit ordeal. We hear a creaking noise before the rail she's leaning on gives way and she falls down on the oil fence. Then we are taken to another scene where the masterminds are in the room with the round table plotting their sinister plan. Johnny, Richard Simons, Ocelot, Cheeseburger, and Jerod are all sitting at the table. Johnny of course sitting on his toilet. There's an empty chair with an "Idiot's Guide to Maintaining Afros" book where Oprah once sat. *  
  
Johnny: Our time has almost come! We shall take back what is rightfully ours. We'll achieve world domination!  
  
Jerod(cutting in): And we'll increase subway's annual sales.  
  
Cheeseburger(ignoring Jerod): But what about the intruders? They've allready killed vamp.  
  
Johnny: Oh, don't worry about them I have a sure-fire plan that'll take care of them.  
  
Richard: You do? What is it?  
  
Johnny(secretly kicking Ocelot in the leg under the table): I think Ocelot would like to explain.  
  
Ocelot: I would?  
  
Johnny(kicking him even harder): Yes, you would.  
  
Ocelot(grimmacing in pain): Oh. . . well. . .  
  
*Ocelot nervously glances around the room. Sweat starts poring down his face as crickets begin to chirp. Then he suddenly gets an idea. *  
  
Ocelot: I've got it! Now that Metal gear john is complete, we'll demand the white house to hand over the remains of big boss or we'll launch a nuke! We'll make a base on some island near Alaska!  
  
Cheeseburger: Hasn't that been done?  
  
Richard: Yeah, that one guy stopped them from launching the nuke. What was his name? Something like hard cobra?  
  
Ocelot: Oh. . .well, then we'll. . .I've got it! We'll make a huge base with tons of weapons and a metal gear unit. We'll call the place. . .Outer Heaven!  
  
* Johnny kicks Ocelot so hard it makes him jump in the air and yelp out in pain. *  
  
Jerod: I think it's obvious that you two don't have a plan so maybe we should address another problem. You see, there's another intruder besides the three who have continually pissed us off. He seems to be dressed in a sort of cyborg ninja suit complete with a sword.  
  
Johnny: Ahh. The ninja. Yes, he's become a nusence of the highest type. We'll have to think of a plan for getting rid of him.  
  
* The camera pans out of the room and we are joined back with our story's heroes. They're in the computer room with Otacon and they have just broke the news of his brother's death. Surprisingly, Otacon doesn't look to depressed. *  
  
Raiden: Otacon, you aren't sad?  
  
Otacon: About Elton?  
  
Raiden: Yeah, with him being your brother. . .  
  
Otacon: Yeah, but it's like they always say, aren't we all related?  
  
Rosie(cutting in): Whatever, look, Johnny's cooking up a plan. I can smell it.  
  
* Otacon gives Rosie a funny glance *  
  
Rosie: . . .and this time it's not my ass!  
  
Raiden: You're right, we've got to come up with something to stop arsenal. It's too bad we blew Elton and the disk into the sky.  
  
Rosie(holding up a disk): Yeah, we blew Elton John up, but we didn't blow this disk up.  
  
Raiden: Rosie! How do you have it?  
  
Otacon: Elton John never had the disk. Rosie had it all along. We felt it would add an appropriate plot twist if it turned out Rosie had it all along.  
  
Raiden: Boy. Yeah, never saw that one coming.  
  
Otacon: When Rosie and I got caught and thrown into that pit where we were prisoners, they searched us for it. So Rosie hid it inside one of her fat slabs on her stomach.  
  
Raiden: Really?  
  
Otacon: Yeah, just kinda stuck it in there.  
  
Rosie(blushing humbly): What can I say? It's a gift.  
  
Raiden: This is great! Let's put it in Otacon's computer and see how it works!  
  
Otacon: Ok, here goes. . .  
  
* Otacon pops in the disk and they wait for the upload of the virus to complete. It gets most of the way complete, but then it suddenly stops and Cheeseburger's smiling face pops up on the screen with the words "Upload failed" above it. Otacon looks at the face with disgust, waiting for something to happen. The figure on screen opens it's mouth, burps, then the screen flickers off. *  
  
Rosie(sounding just like Solid Snake): Damn!  
  
Otacon: I don't believe this. They've got some kind of anti-virus program in John's GW! This is just great.  
  
Raiden: Is there some other way?  
  
Otacon: Yeah, there is one other way. We've got to take out Metal Gear. We have to find some way to disable Metal Gear John!  
  
Raiden: Great! No way are we gonna do that!  
  
Will our heroes be able to defeat Metal Gear John? Tune in next time I feel like writing another one of these to find out! 


	24. The one where Ocelot's birthday is celeb...

* Ocelot is sitting in his private quarters depressed. He throws back his head and gulps down yet another bottle of alcohol. His vision is too impared by now to see what kind, but once he realizes, he spits it out because that particular bottle really wasn't alcohol at all, but instead worchestershire sauce. Johnny walks in. *  
  
Johnny: What a mess. Ocelot, are you drinking?  
  
* Ocelot turns his head and drools worchestershire sauce down his chin as he gurgles the word "no" *  
  
Johnny: Ocelot, you only drink when you're depressed. What is it?  
  
Ocelot: Well, today's a really special day for me and no one noticed.  
  
Johnny: How so?  
  
Ocelot: It's my birthday.  
  
Johnny: Really! Well, I know just what might chear you up.  
  
* Johnny leads Ocelot out of his quarters, and into the room with the round table where they plot there sinister plans. The room is very dark. When Johnny turns on the lights, Cheeseburger, Jerod, and Richard jump out from under the table and yell "surprise!" Ocelot is so shocked that, because of his old age, he passes out and falls onto the floor, only to be finally revived later. In the mean time he has a dream. We are taken to a colorfull place, a field from the looks of it, filled with roses and colorful bunnies. *  
  
Ocelot(standing above the lusch valley and looking down at the sight): Whhhhoooaaa!  
  
* A giant bunny jumps in front of Ocelot. Ocelot stares at it with bewilderment. The thing looked to be about 20 ft tall! The bunny stares at Ocelot blankly and craps a huge rainbow out of it's ass. *  
  
Ocelot: So that's where they come from!  
  
* Ocelot gazes longingly at the sight, whishing he was a bunny rabbit. Suddenly a huge toilet falls from the sky and crushes the rabbit. Ocelot looks up at the toilet in awe. *  
  
Ocelot: Metal Gear John!?  
  
* The toilet's lid opens up to form the words as it talks. *  
  
MGJ: Yes, it is I.  
  
Ocelot: But I thought they couldn't talk. . .  
  
* Ocelot rubs his head with a despared look on his face. *  
  
Ocelot: The world seemed so much simpler five minutes ago.  
  
* Ocelot looks over at the toilet and sees him popping a toilet bowl cleaner tablet in it's mouth. The toilet flushes itself and then lets out a long sigh. *  
  
Ocelot: You're taking pills?  
  
MGJ: I need them to ease the pain.  
  
Ocelot: Pain?  
  
MGJ: Yes. You see, toilet's not feeling well lately. Toilet used to be used for simple purposes. But now there are people who want to use me to flush down the Manhatten Harbor.  
  
Ocelot(faking confusion): Gee, I wonder who would do such a thing.  
  
MGJ: Only an evil and sinister person. Well, now that I've aquired an "ass rainbow" from this bunny rabbit, I think I should use it to get out of here.  
  
* The giant toilet opens up its lid and shoots a rainbow off in the distance. It then rides it all the way there shouting "farewell Ocelot! 'Till the next time you pass out!"  
  
Johnny(patting Ocelot on the face): Ocelot, are you awake?  
  
Ocelot: Yeah.  
  
Johnny: You had us worried. In your old age, surprises must be too much for you. We're going to have to be more carefull in the future.  
  
Richard: But we remembered your birthday and wanted you to feel special!!!  
  
* Ocelot looks over at his cake. He basically sees about a hundred candles with a little sliver of icing under it. *  
  
Jerod: Ah man, lighting this thing's gonna take forever.  
  
Johnny: Let Cheeseburger do it.  
  
* Jerod holds up a lighter near Cheesburger. She takes in a huge gulp of air and then rips a huge nasty fart that ignites once it reaches the flame. But it's a bit overkill as it procedes past the candles and lights Ocelot's pony tail. Ocelot screams, as shear terror mounts in his eyes. *  
  
Ocelot: OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!  
  
* Ocelot runs around with his flaming pony tail bouncing up and down, while the others try to think of something to do. Jerod whips a subway sandwich out the back pocket and squirts the mayonase at Ocelot's pony tail. It does the job, effectively putting out the fire on Ocelot's pony tail, and leaving it steaming, and charred black. *  
  
Johnny(running over to Ocelot): Are you OK?  
  
Ocelot: I think so.  
  
* Johnny glances over at Cheeseburger with a look of disgust on his face as she licks up the spilt mayonase on the floor. . .  
  
We are then taken back to the computer room where our heroes are formulating a strategy for fighting the metal gears. Well, two of them are anyway. Otacon and Raiden are conversing over their strategy while Rosie O'donell sits in a chair reading a special JC Penny "Big Girl's" edition catalog. Suddenly her stomach grumbles. *  
  
Rosie: Uh-Oh.  
  
* Otacon pretends to ignore Rosie *  
  
Rosie: Guys. . .Guys. . .I think I'm hungry.  
  
* Otacon still ignores Rosie. *  
  
Rosie: I'M HUNGRY DAMNIT!!!  
  
Raiden(motioning toward the parrot): Rosie, why don't you go play with Elton's bird over there?  
  
* Rosie looks over at the parrot and a smile forms on her face. She walks over to the parrot, licking her lips. But when she reaches into the cage it just pecks her in the face. *  
  
Otacon: Rosie! Get over hear!  
  
Rosie(walking over to them): What is it?  
  
Otacon: We've got a strategy for defeating Metal Gear John. It's only weakness is it's insides. We have to drop a huge bomb in it.  
  
Rosie: But it's like, eleventy hundred feet tall! How the hell are we supposed to get up there?  
  
Otacon: Remember, you've got scabie DNA inside you. Your powers may have developed to where you can jump really high now.  
  
Raiden: Even despite her weight problem?  
  
Otacon: Yeah.  
  
Rosie: So, I jump inside. Then what?  
  
Otacon(showing a suit): You'll be wearing this explosive suit. Once you're in, we'll detonate it.  
  
Rosie: But won't that kill me?  
  
Otacon(while walking over to the parrot's cage and taking the bird out.): Yeah. Guess you'll really have to take on for the team this time, eh?  
  
Raiden: Listen Rosie, you'll go down in history! You will have saved the world from the Patriot's control! You'll be a hero!  
  
Rosie: Yeah, I guess I will!  
  
Otacon(with the parrot on his hand): Sure you will. Now, let's go save the world!  
  
* The three heroes walk out of the room. in slow-mo, in true legendary fassion. Cool music really sets the mood at this moment and gives the trio an exit of legendary status. Then Rosie opens her mouth and burps, completely ruining the moment. *  
  
(The tension mounts as the three heroes take on an unstopable enemy. How will they fare? Will I decide to kill Rosie? Will I get another review? Tune in some time later to find out. . .) 


	25. The one where Raiden questions Cheesebur...

* We are once again at the computer room. Raiden, Rosie, and Otacon with her bird are at the elevator, ready to go there separate ways. *  
  
Parrot: SQUAAK! Harry balls!  
  
Raiden: Huh!?  
  
Parrot: Squak! Eww. Coughed up another hair.  
  
Raiden: What's he saying?  
  
Otacon: Elton's apparently been around this bird to much.  
  
Rosie(annoyed): Gay-wad!  
  
Parrot: SQUAK! Ninja. . .In the vents!  
  
Raiden: What's he talking about now?  
  
Otacon and Rosie(faking surprise): I have no idea.  
  
Otacon: Well, guys. Looks like we'll have to go our separate ways. I've got to go save those hostages. Rosie. Take this.  
  
* Otacon hands Rosie an explosive suit. *  
  
Otacon(patting Rosie on the shoulder): I'm gonna miss you.  
  
Rosie: I'll miss me too.  
  
Otacon: . . .  
  
Rosie: I would do our secret handshake now, but that requires a hug at the end and I've got ketchup on my hands from that hamburger.  
  
Otacon: Oh, I see.  
  
* Otacon walks away. Rosie turn to Raiden. *  
  
Rosie: Well, looks like it's just you and me kid.  
  
Raiden: . . .  
  
Rosie(looking up at the vents): You can come out now!  
  
* Raiden looks up, shocked, as a ninja, dressed in a full cyborg battle uniform, jumps down from the vents. *  
  
Raiden: What!? The ninja!  
  
Ninja: Yes, it is I.  
  
Raiden: Rosie, what's going on?  
  
Rosie: Bed time Raiden.  
  
* Raiden reaches for his holster, but the ninja puts the sword to his neck. *  
  
Rosie: I wouldn't do that if I were you.  
  
* They exchange a few other words which you have probably already heard if you've beaten the game before taking Raiden to the place with Solidus in the game. . . . . . Raiden wakes up on a flat, cold, wooden bench, tied down by a few cheap- looking, old ropes. He hears a faint voice in the distance. *  
  
Faint voice in the distance: Are you awake yet, Jack?  
  
* Raiden groans as he tries to see beyond his blury vision. When he can finally see, he realizes he's in a large, gray, room; naked, and with both Cheeseburger and Ocelot staring at him. Cheeseburger has lost her trenchcoat, revealing a large battle-mech-looking suit complete with long tentacles that have eating utensils on the ends. *  
  
Raiden: Where am I? And why am I naked?  
  
Ocelot: Not sure. I was still drunk when I found you. I remember taking you into my private quarters, but I don't remember anything past that.  
  
Raiden: What are you gonna do to me?  
  
Cheeseburger: Our plan is coming together so smoothly. Do you remember the retards in that assylum?  
  
Raiden: Yeah, I think.  
  
Cheeseburger: In exactly half an hour we'll not only unleash them on the city, but we'll fire a nuke into the atmosphere that will disrupt all electronics with it's electromagnetic pulse. Forcing everyone to live on our scabie-infested subway sandwiches that we'll hand out. If anyone does something we don't like, we'll make the scabie pills inside their bodies erupt.  
  
Raiden: You sick bastard!  
  
Cheesburger(smiling deviously): Yes I know.  
  
Raiden: But why have you straped me down on this cheap, wooden bench? It seems a little. . .unprofessional.  
  
Ocelot(annoyed): We've had to nearly split our budget in half thanks to all the rations Cheeseburger requires.  
  
Cheeseburger: They're absolutly necessary to fuel my powerfull figure.  
  
Raiden: You mean you're obese, smelly ass!  
  
Cheeseburger: I am not obese!  
  
Raiden: Yes you are! You're Fat as hell!  
  
Cheeseburger: I'm not fat, I'm healthy! I eat subway sandwiches!  
  
Raiden: Oh please. Those subway sandwiches don't make you any more healthy than they make my name Queen Latiffa!  
  
Ocelot: Enough! Both of you!  
  
* Cheeseburger and Raiden continue to argue. Meanwhile, we are taken to Ocelot's private headquarters where Rosie is raiding Ocelot's alcohol cabinet. *  
  
Rosie(pulling out a bottle): Jack Daniel's, you allways knew how to hit the spot.  
  
* Rosie walks over to a phone and dials a number. *  
  
Rosie(mumbling to herself): To take this thing down, we're gonna need help.  
  
* Someone picks up the phone and answers. *  
  
Voice: Hello.  
  
Rosie: Hello. I assume you know who this is.  
  
Voice: Rosie?  
  
Rosie: And I assume you know what this is about.  
  
Voice(Gasps): So it's come to this? I'll be right over. And I'll come toting some serious fire power.  
  
Rosie: Good. I'll see you soon!  
  
* Rosie downs the remainder of Ocelot's alcohol for no apparent reason as the camera pans out of the scene signifying the end of this chapter. * 


	26. The one where backup arrives, and the co...

* Raiden lays on the bench, naked, in a cold room alone. He looks around wondering how long he's been asleep. Suddenly, a figure in stealth camoflage leaps over with an inhuman swiftness and slices the ropes with its sword. Raiden gets up cautiously, and looks around. The figure is nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, he gets a call from his codec. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Colonel: Raiden. Are you there?  
  
Raiden: Yeah. But I'm naked, and that damn bench put splinters in my ass!  
  
Colonel: Get over it! Why, back in 'Nam, I had to do all kinds of hard core stuff like Raid Fox-holes, and torch beaver dams!  
  
Raiden: Beaver dams?  
  
Colonel: Yeah! Them Charlies liked to hide out there.  
  
Raiden: Colonel, maybe we should get back to the mis. . .  
  
Colonel: I mean, war veterens today don't get enough respect!  
  
Raiden: What do you want me to do?  
  
Colonel: I don't know. Visit a memorial, build a shrine. . .  
  
Raiden: I'm gonna go now.  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* Raiden exits the room, looks around to survey his new environment, and then gets another call from the codec. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Raiden(in an annoyed voice): What is it this time?  
  
Colonel: Don't you sas me boy! Shorten ass hairs and and tropical sasafras plants with pruning shears!  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* Raiden continues sneaking around and gets yet another call. . . *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Colonel: I hear it's amazing when the sweaty, purple, obese, dinosaur on PBS does a tripple sow-cow on hari kari rock. I need hemmoroid cream! 61!!!  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* Raiden finally makes his way to the place where you meet Snake and get all your items back in the game. He notices how quiet it is. Too quiet. . . Raiden hears a groaning noise and looks up at the ceiling. He backs away just in time as Rosie falls through the ceiling from one of the vents. *  
  
Rosie(landing on the floor): Ughh!  
  
Raiden(looking down at her): Rosie!  
  
Rosie(getting up): Don't worry, I'm okay.  
  
Raiden: Rosie, why did you and the ninja do that to me?  
  
Rosie: Don't like it? Get over it. It was necessary for us to get inside here or something.  
  
Raiden: . . .  
  
Rosie: Anyway, here's your gear. Hurry up and get dressed!  
  
* Raiden gets dressed and they decide to call Otacon on the codec to make sure she's getting those hostages out safely. Rosie activates her codec. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Rosie: Otacon, do you read me?  
  
Otacon: Loud and clear.  
  
Rosie: How are you doing with the hostages?  
  
Otacon: I've got several of them boarded on the chopper.  
  
Raiden: Otacon, the colonel's last codec message was strange.  
  
Otacon: How so?  
  
Raiden: I don't know. It just didn't make sense. It had no point.  
  
Rosie: Uhh. . .I think that was me.  
  
Raiden: Whaa. . .!  
  
Rosie: I was drunk at the time, so I decided to play a prank call on Raiden.  
  
Otacon: Why were you drunk?  
  
Rosie(with tears running down her eyes): Jesus Christ Otacon! You expect me to die for my country by putting on an explosive suit and not even let me have one last drink!?  
  
Otacon: No! It's okay, I'm sorry Rosie.  
  
Raiden: Wait a minute. How did your face look exactly like the Colonels'?  
  
Rosie: Did you know our codec is basically an enhanced version of Instant Messenger?  
  
Raiden: No, I didn't know that.  
  
Rosie: That's right, it has some really realistic looking emoticons.  
  
Otacon: In any case, we'd better get back to the mission. We've all got a lot of work to do.  
  
Raiden and Rosie: Right.  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* The two go out to the place that looks like a long, huge hall where you have to fight all those gaurds. Rosie looks up at the ceiling with an expecting look. *  
  
Raiden(in an annoyed voice): Oh not again!  
  
Rosie: You can come out now.  
  
* Raiden flinches preparing himself to be hit by a sword, but instead someone big repels down from the shadowy ceiling dressed in a dark sneaking suit. The figure is coming down at a steady pace when the rope snaps while she's about half-way down and he/she falls to the floor with a MASSIVE crash, effectively putting an end to her stealthy descent. *  
  
Rosie: I tought her that one.  
  
* The figure gets up and takes off her black mask. It's Rossane! *  
  
Raiden: Rossane! Rosie, what is this?  
  
Rosie: I thought we could use some help, so I brought along my old partner in crime.  
  
Raiden: That's right, me and Rosie go waaay back.  
  
Rosie: That's right, we made our own little special task force called "Lean, Agile, and Really Destructive."  
  
Raiden: L.A.R.D.?  
  
Rossane: That's right.  
  
Raiden: You call yourselves L.A.R.D.?  
  
Rossane: . . .  
  
* Rosie suddenly has a shocking sensation in her nostrils. One she's never experienced before. The whole room seems to dance in front of her, playing tricks on her eyes as the unmistakable feeling of scabie DNA transformation begins. She grips her head and leans foreward, towards the ground, in agony, as she feels a massive splitting headache. *  
  
Raiden: Rosie, what's wrong?  
  
Rossane: Ah, don't worry kid. This happens to us a lot.  
  
* Rossane reaches in her back pocket and pulls out a gas-x, and bends down closer to Rosie. *  
  
Rossane: Here, take this.  
  
* Rosie looks up at Rossane from her hunched-over position and lets out a massive, roaring, burp that propels a strange, blue, gasseous substance out of her mouth. *  
  
Rosie(with a dissoriented look): The kids right. There's something happening.  
  
* Rosie's head suddenly shoots straight up with her nostrils flared as she looks down the hall. *  
  
Rosie: Someone's here. I can smell 'em!  
  
Rossane: Rosie don't be ridiculous!  
  
Raiden: No! This is what Otacon was talking about! Rosie's developing scabie-like powers!  
  
Rossane: Oh really! I saw this on Spiderman!  
  
Rosie: We've got to do something. They're coming fast.  
  
Rossane: In that case, here. Take this.  
  
* Rossane hands Rosie a strange looking weapon. *  
  
Rosie(with a look of gleeful sadness in her eyes): Thelma?  
  
Rossane(pulling out another one): That's right, and I've got Louise right here.  
  
Raiden: I don't understand. What the hell are those?  
  
Rossane: Just standard equipment. M27A5 suppository rifles.  
  
Raiden: Suppository rifles! What kind of. . .  
  
Rosie: Shhh!!! Everyone, they're coming.  
  
* Just then, armed troops come from down the halls with Jerod leading them and a cascade of laser sights find their ways on each of our heroes bodies. *  
  
Jerod: I should have known you two annoying pigs would be out here causing mayhem!  
  
* Raiden peeks out from behind Rosie's body and waves as a sign of recognition. *  
  
Jerod: Okay, three!  
  
Soldier(with a look of relief): Thank god that huge crash wasn't one of the metal gear units falling over like it sounded!  
  
Raiden: This is just great! Why the hell did that fat bitch have to use a rope? She could have just came in with you Rosie!  
  
Jerod: Enough! It doesn't matter anyway! We've allready completed our plans and have a metal gear unit ready! There's nothing you can do! We are now unstoppable! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!  
  
* Evil Jerod laughs as thunder booms, and lightning flashes in from the windows. *  
  
Jerod(motioning toward the arsenal soldiers): Now, kill 'em!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. . . 


	27. The one where Rosie's powers are growing

CONTINUED. . .  
  
Chapter 27  
  
* The three heroes dive out of the way just in time, as the guards shoot at them with their advanced P90's. Rosie and Roseane's dives make a giant rumble in the ground which causes two metal gear units to fall down and crush about 15 of the gaurds. Rosie yells toward Roseane on the other side of the hall. *  
  
Rosie: Do you think I should use the flaming suppository rounds or the exploding ones!?  
  
Roseane: Either is fine! I also have electric shock ones!  
  
* The two count to three and step out from their cover. Rosie fires a flaming suppository, which effectively tracks the target's ass. It meets with a guard's ass and erupts into a flaming barrage. The soldier runs around with what looks like a flame-thrower portruding out of his ass and finally gets engulfed with flames. Roseane shoots her exploding suppository and goes into a guard's anus and it explodes, sending him way up in the air. Meanwhile, Raiden watches from a safe distance until they finally kill everyone. *  
  
Raiden: Wow, that was easy!  
  
Roseanne: Yeah, they all dropped like flies.  
  
* Just then, Jerod jumps out of a corner and shoots Roseane right in the head, and she falls down on the floor, dead. *  
  
Rosie: NOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Jerod: Muwahhahahhahaha!!!  
  
* Rosie falls down on her knees from weakness from the shock of her once- partner-in-crime's death. *  
  
Jerod: Ha! Another piggy just went to the slaughter house! Bet you'll be missing her.  
  
Rosie(in a depressed way): Yeah, she had a winning lottery ticket and was gonna split the money with me.  
  
Jerod: Oh, I see. Well, in any case, both of your times will come. I'll see you around!  
  
* Jerod flies off with his Subway jet pack. *  
  
Raiden: I'm really sorry Rosie.  
  
Rosie: Enough! Emotions have no place on the battle field. I'm gonna have to give my life soon, so it makes little difference.  
  
* The two advance to the big, round room just before the place where you have to fight the metal gear Rays. Rosie stops and sniffs the air. *  
  
Raiden: Are your scabie powers acting up again?  
  
Rosie: Yeah, I can smell something. I also have this tingling sensation in my legs.  
  
* Raiden readies his gun. The two look around and finally more of the agile tangu gaurds jump down from the ceiling. Raiden and Rosie stand back to back, ready to go into combat. Then something strange happens. . . . . .Rosie, apparently gaining full use of her scabie powers, moves extremely fast and spins around the room, throwing the guards everywhere. She finally ends it with a huge jump in the air, ending in a stomach drop on the last guard. *  
  
Raiden: Rosie! That was amazing!  
  
Rosie: I know. And it was all because of a hamburger I ate. To think my doctor told me they were bad for me and if I ate any more, the fat would just clog my arteries up!  
  
Raiden: Clogged arteries.  
  
Rosie: Yeah. He told me I'm basically living on one right now.  
  
Raiden: . . .  
  
Rosie(chuckles): If I gain much more weight I might die.  
  
* Just then Richard Simmons shows up. Apparently he was offscreen the whole time. *  
  
Richard: Looks like there was a party and I wasn't invited.  
  
Rosie(turning to face Richard): Of all the lame introductions. . .  
  
Raiden: Oh crap. Rosie! We don't have the time to put up with this guy. We've got to stop Metal Gear John.  
  
Rosie: You go on ahead. I'll take care of the human-sized anti- depressant.  
  
Raiden: But Rosie, we need you to jump into John. Remember? The suit? Kaboom!?  
  
Rosie: Yeah, you go on out there and make sure everything's ready for me. I'll be out there shortly.  
  
Raiden: . . .good luck Rosie.  
  
Rosie: I will.  
  
* Raiden makes a strange, confused face after this comment, but finally proceeds up the ladder. . .  
  
. . .when he gets to the roof, he sees he's on the Manhatten Bridge. Suddenly, Cheeseburger's voice is heard. *  
  
Cheeseburger: Hello son. Even though you're about to die, I thought I'd waste the last precious few moments of your life by talking about nothing in particular.  
  
Raiden: Why don't you show yourself coward?!  
  
Cheeseburger: No one likes a sour-puss! I rased you like my son Jack the Ripper! I can see you wanna get this over with. Here are a few toys to keep you occupied!  
  
* A bunch of Metal Gear Rays appear. They begin firing missles and stuff at raiden and he fires back with his stinger. This goes on for a while until Rosie comes up to help Raiden. *  
  
Rosie: Hey Raiden. Rosie's here!  
  
Raiden: Rosie! But how did you defeat Richard? Bullets can't hit him.  
  
Rosie: Yeah, but my fist can. And it did! He got pretty stupid down there trying to fry me with his rail-gun, always laughing, and with that goofy-ass grin on his face!  
  
* Rosie looks over at the giant metal gear Rays. Suddenly, something comes over Rosie. *  
  
Raiden: It's happening again!?  
  
* Rosie runs over to a Ray unit and makes a giant leap up in the air and bites down on the metal gear Ray's crotch. She holds on with all her might. *  
  
Raiden: Those scabie powers must really be in full affect now!  
  
* Cheeseburger jumps onto the bridge. *  
  
Cheeseburger: Great show sister!  
  
Rosie(letting go of the metal gear): Cheeseburger!  
  
Cheeseburger: But I'm afraid this is where it all ends!  
  
* Cheeseburger jumps into a metal gear unit. And point it at the two heroes, ready to fire. *  
  
Cheeseburger: Brace yourselves!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. . .  
  
(author's note: Sorry for the slow updates.) 


	28. The one where our heroes infiltrate Meta...

Chapter 28  
  
CONTINUED. . .  
  
* Cheeseburger attempts to fire the missle, but Raiden whips out his M4 and hits the missle while it's in the metal gear unit and it explodes, destroying the unit. Luckily for Cheeseburger, there's an ejector seet. It doesn't throw her very far though, and she just barely makes it past the bridge and falls down into the water. Suddenly, after Cheeseburger falls out into the great blue of the ocean, Metal Gear John begins to emerge on the other side of the bridge. *  
  
Raiden: It's metal gear John Rosie! Get ready to jump.  
  
Rosie(holding the activator unit): Here it goes. . .  
  
* Rosie presses the button on the unit to ready her explosive vest. For some reason, it doesn't activate. *  
  
Raiden: What happened?  
  
Rosie: It didn't activate. We're going to have to find another way.  
  
Raiden: Well, we're gonna have to think fast.  
  
Rosie: I know! I'm gonna have to jump in it!  
  
Raiden: I don't understand.  
  
Rosie: Just trust me.  
  
Raiden: Okay, but even still, it's a long jump. Even for you Rosie.  
  
* Raiden feels a little odd saying this. *  
  
Rosie: Allright open wide toothless.  
  
* Raiden looks on with shock in his eyes as Rosie shoves about thirty exploding suppositories in her ass. *  
  
Raiden: Rosie, you can't be serious about this!  
  
* Rosie pulls a fuse out of her inventory and "lights her ass." *  
  
Raiden: Rosie, those are exploding suppositories. You'll kill yourself!  
  
Rosie(patting her ass): Don't worry, this thing is combat tou. . .  
  
* Before Rosie can finish the sentence, the suppositories detonate, sending the large Rosie O'donell waaaaay up in the air. All the while, she screams in agony. Raiden bends over the railing to witness the astonishing feat.  
  
Rosie is launched no less than 100 yards with a brilliant orange, sparking streak from her ass. Metal Gear John has already begun to flush the sea. Rosie gets nearer and nearer to the swirling waters above Metal Gear John and finally goes straight in with a massive splash.  
  
The toilet seams to be functioning properly for about three seconds, but then starts to make a low humming noise and begins violently shaking, and then it's finally silent. Raiden waits for no longer than five seconds of silence until there's a massively ear shattering explosion from the final destruction of Metal Gear John.  
  
Our cannon-ball-of-a-heroe comes plummeting out of the explosion along with countless other pieces of debris. Raiden looks on with a smile as it looks as if our heroe will land on the bridge and hopefully survive. He's partially right, as Rosie hits the bridge, but just creates a huge hole as she falls through and out to the sea again. * 


	29. The one where Cheeseburger turns into th...

Chapter 29  
  
Continued. . .  
  
* The scene opens up on top of Federal Hall. Raiden, sleepy eyed, wakes up to see he's on a roof-top with his nemesis Cheeseburger. *  
  
Cheeseburger: Are you awake yet jack? Good!  
  
Raiden: Where am I?  
  
Cheeseburger: Federal Hall. The place where our forefathers celebrated our freedom or something.  
  
Raiden: Celebrated? What were the parties like back then?  
  
Cheeseburger: How should I know? I'm not that old. Ask Ocelot.  
  
Raiden: . . .  
  
Cheeseburger(pointing down at the ground from the rooftop): You see them Jack?  
  
* Raiden looks down and sees a terribly shocking scene. Thousands of mentally screwed people from the assylum are running around the city causing havoc. Sweet Tooth runs around rubbing his burning head on people, setting them on fire. A big group of them has formed a circle around some random guy and are taking turns poking him. And to top it all off, Brittany Spears is on top of a building with a karioki machine singing. *  
  
Raiden: Outrageous!  
  
Cheeseburger: Yeah, I thought having Brittany Spears in the assylum was a bit. . .overkill, but Fat Bastard demanded it.  
  
Raiden: Isn't she a little slim for him? Maybe you two should go out instead. It's usually a custom for swine to breed within their species.  
  
* Once again, Raiden has outraged Cheeseburger with a terrible insult. Cheeseburger runs toward Raiden and is about to dive on him, when Rosie jumps in front of him from out of nowhere, dressed in sumo-wrestler's clothing(she did, of course, have a top on, lest both of them would have jumped off the building and killed themselves right there from the mere sight and the story would end right here). *  
  
Cheeseburger: Finally you come out from hiding. Guess we'll see who's the better clone of Big Bertha.  
  
Rosie: Talk is cheap! Let's settle this right now, once and for all!  
  
* Rosie lunges foreward letting out a battle cry. She puts both hands in a crushing grasp on Cheeseburger's shoulders and begins to sumo-wrestle with her. Rosie begins to get the upper hand, so Cheeseburger uses her tentacles to try and lift Rosie. It doesn't quite work, so she begins to gouge at her eyes with her fingertips.  
  
Rosie retaliates with a swift punch to the face, knocking Cheeseburger down. Cheeseburger gets back up and the two lunge foreward at each other. Just then the camera freezes and swivels slowly around the two sumos, a prelude to what looks to be a massive clash of fat. The camera comes back to speed, two hit each other and bounce in different directions. Cheeseburger falls off the roof-top with a trail of debris following her and crashes through a Wendy's restaurant roof. Raiden walks over to Rosie who lays on the floor, apparently knocked out. *  
  
Raiden: Rosie, can you hear me?  
  
Rosie: No  
  
Raiden: Rosie, I know you're awake, we need to go and make sure Cheeseburger's dead.  
  
Rosie(breathing heavily): I've. . .done. . .my. . .part. I. . .can't. . .breath. Knocked. . .breath. . .out.  
  
Raiden: Damn! Okay I'll go Rosie. But you owe me.  
  
Rosie: Give the bitch a punch for me!  
  
Raiden: I will.  
  
* Raiden gets down from the rooftop somehow and enters Wendy's. He notices an erie silence. There's no one in sight and, except for a giant hole in the roof, and debris under it, there's no sign of Cheeseburger. Raiden walks slowly past several tables, then he hears a sort of wheezing sound from back in the kitchen behind the counter of the restaurant. *  
  
Raiden: Why don't you come out and fight me? We're on your turf after all! You have the advantage you know!  
  
* There's no answer, but there's still a wheezing sound accompanied be wet, slobbery, sounds and groaning. Raiden enters the kitchen and notices miriad boxes of cheap flour used in most of their products. Most of them are almost completely empty, with holes ripped in them. Then, suddenly, from behind one of the shelves up comes Cheeseburger, giant and green, with pulsing veins and blood-shot eyes. *  
  
Cheeseburger: WWWHHHAAAAARRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!! CHEESEBURGER MAD!!! CHEESEBURGER MAKE RAIDEN PAY!  
  
Raiden: What the hell!?  
  
* Raiden has little time to think of a plan because Cheeseburger jumps over the cabinet and knocks Raiden out of the building and into the streets where they go about brawling. Mega-cheeseburger lands a few good blows that send blood splattering about from Raiden's mouth. *  
  
Raiden: Ughhh!!!  
  
Cheeseburger: WHAAAAAAHHHHHHUUUUUU!!! BLONDIE NOT SO TOUGH NOW!!! I SQUASH BLONDIE'S PUNY LITTLE A. . .  
  
* Just then Rosie comes down on the brute from the roof-top, killing it. *  
  
Rosie: That's no way to talk to a lady.  
  
Raiden: What are you talking about?  
  
Rosie: Nothing.  
  
Raiden(eyeing Cheeseburger): It's like the Hulk's bigger sister.  
  
Rosie: Yeah, and the world will certainly be a better place with her out of the way.  
  
Raiden: And you didn't even have to blow yourself up!  
  
Rosie: Yeah, I'll say everything went just fine, all things considered.  
  
* Just then Rosie and Raiden's codec beeps. *  
  
(codec beeps)  
  
Otacon: Rosie? Raiden? Are you there?  
  
Raiden: We're here Otacon.  
  
Rosie: Both of us.  
  
Otacon: So you didn't blow up the Metal Gear.  
  
Rosie: Oh, I blew it up allright. Not with the suit.  
  
Otacon: Great, I've got all the hostages ashore. And I've called the police and a clean-up crew to get the town put back together again.  
  
Raiden: Won't the retards still be in the city?  
  
Otacon: Oh, they won't be hard to catch. Just lay out a few box traps with spoons, knives, shiny things. . .  
  
Rosie: Well, in that case, we've got to go and get some things done Otacon.  
  
Otacon: I understand. Otacon, out.  
  
(codec goes offline)  
  
* The scene draws away from the two heroes, showing a brilliant sunset. *  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. . . 


	30. The one where it all ends

Chapter 30  
  
CONTINUED. . .  
  
* As the final chapter opens up we are at an area where there is a small news crew covering the scene just off the manhatten harbor shoreline where the massive explosion from Metal Gear John took place. There are plenty of people around, but none of them are citizens, just a bunch of police men, firemen, and a large clean-up crew.  
  
In the small news coverage group, there's a female reporter, a camera- man, and several other technical support guys as well as a driver in a news van. The female reporter is doing a live report on the whole incident. *  
  
Camera man: And we're on in three. . .two. . .one.  
  
Female Reporter: Hello! I'm Finkwinkle Urnsteine, and I'm here reporting live on the shore of the Manhatten Harbor where, in late-breaking news, there's been a massive explosion in the waters near the Big Shell off-shore facility which was just recently taken over by terrorists. We're here with an expert who can hopefully give us the details.  
  
* She gives the microphone to a short, balding, chubby police man standing beside her. *  
  
Female Reporter: Sir, what exactly has happened here?  
  
Policeman: What has happened here? In a word, madness! A few no-good thugs get ahold of something that goes boom and then take over a large off- shore facitlity and have a little accident. Makes me sick! Every day I work my ass off cleaning scum off the streets and now in a time of despair, I get called out of the doughnut shop and have to go and take care of scum that's not on the streets and on some clean up rig.  
  
Female Reporter: You stopped the terrorists?  
  
Policeman: Of course. Went in there, stomped over everyone in my way, went up to the head-hancho of the operation and demanded he stop!  
  
Female Reporter: What happened then?  
  
Policeman: He denied my offer and jumped into this giant mechanized thing!  
  
Female Reporter: And what exactly was this giant, mechanized, thing?  
  
Policeman(begins to blush and answers silently after a short pause): . . .a toilet.  
  
Female Reporter(giggles): A toilet! You saved the world from a toilet?  
  
Policeman: But a very large one. And it was made of metal.  
  
* The reporter begins to reply but is interrupted by several loud shouts and a noise. A bulldoser has just uncovered a giant piece of Metal Gear John's metal and the crew is pulling someone out from the wreckage. The news crew begins to walk swiftly toward the scene, and the female reporter has to walk backwards as she looks into the camera and talks. *  
  
Female Reporter: It would appear that some of the rescue workers have uncovered someone alive. We will now go over to them and get the detaAAAAIILLLS!  
  
* The female reporter, running backwards, not looking where she was going, trips on something. She gets up, smiles at the camera, and continues walking, this time facing the right way.  
  
When the crew gets to the scene, we see Rosie being helped up by some of the workers. They begin to pull and tug at her shirt to get her up, but they can't quite pull her up so Rosie pushes their faces flat in the mud as she uses them to get herself up and out of it. The female reporter quickly thrusts the microphone in Rosie's face. *  
  
Female Reporter: Hello sir. What is your name and how did this happen to you?  
  
Rosie: Watch it bitch! I'm no guy.  
  
Female Reporter: Oh I'm so sorry I mistook you-  
  
Rosie(cutting in with a sassy voice): My name is Foxy Rosie O'donell and I'm a whole lot of woman!  
  
Raiden(from somewhere no one can see him): Yeah. A WHOLE lot!  
  
Rosie: Watch it half-pint!  
  
Female Reporter: Who was that?  
  
* Rosie turns around to show Raiden stuck to her back. Rosie squeezes really hard and Raiden sort of pops out. *  
  
Female Reporter: Who are you two?  
  
Rosie: We're the ones who destroyed Metal Gear and uncovered a massive conspiracy about the Patriots! The truth behind this country!  
  
Raiden: Yeah, after we destroyed Metal Gear John and defeated the terrorist leader a piece of debris from metal gear hit us. Good thing someone called a rescue crew.  
  
Female Reporter(scowling at the policeman): So you didn't really save the world?  
  
Policeman: * coughs nervously* ahem. . .not exactl. . .hey! We're still on for Friday night Right!?  
  
Female Reporter: In your dreams.  
  
* The Female Reporter turns back to Rosie. *  
  
Female Reporter: So now that you've saved the world, how do you feel?  
  
* Rosie's stomache begins to growl. *  
  
Rosie: Like I could gulp down a bucket of lard.  
  
Female Reporter: Interesting. I think it would be appropriate to ask you if you have anything to say to the people watching this at home.  
  
Rosie: I'd just like to ask everyone to visit my website at www.tastytreats.pork and sign my guestbook. If you become an honorary member you get to "see my webcam."  
  
Female Reporter(with a disgusted look): Okay.  
  
* The Female Reporter turns to the camera.as Raiden and Rosie begin to walk away. *  
  
Female Reporter: So there you have it. Two seemingly ordinary people saved the lives of countless civilians by bringing down a giant toilet. I'm Urnstiene Finkwinkle reporting live on the scene. Back to you Ralph.  
  
* The camera takes us back to Rosie and Raiden who walk near a group of police cars. The police are putting hand-cuffs on Johnny and are loading him into a police car. Rosie and Raiden walk up to him. *  
  
Rosie: So, I guess this is it. I'll have to say, I'll miss shooting gaurds, peeking around corners, and kicking your ass. Yep, it's not easy keeping this fabulous body in shape. I have to train it by taking down big Metal Gears and fighting terrorists. But I guess I'll have to let myself grow more flabby or something because this is getting too easy. There's no challenge you know?  
  
Johnny: Don't get cocky. We'll meet again some day. It's only a matter of time until I escape from this stupid prison they're putting me in.  
  
Rosie: And when you do, I'll be there, ready to put an end, once again, to whatever sick and twisted plots your mind can come up with.  
  
* The policeman shoves Johnny's head into the car, shuts the door, and drives off. When it gets about a block away, Johnny sticks his head out the window and shouts. *  
  
Johnny: This is only the begging! I'll be back some day! You just wait! I'll be unstoppable!!!  
  
* Just then a boat comes to shore, back from the big shell, carrying a crew of men surveying the wreckage. They seem to have found the containers which house the genetically altered scabies. Rosie and Raiden walk over to that area. The one who seems to be in charge walks up to them and shakes their hands. *  
  
Bob: Hello, I'm Bob, the supervisor of this clean-up operation. You guys must be the ones who stoped the terrorsits.  
  
Rosie: Yep.  
  
Bob(pointing to the scabies): Do you happen to know what the hell these things are?  
  
Rosie: Just your average group of fleas.  
  
Bob: Fleas?  
  
Rosie: Yep. Johnny was a. . .very. . .lonely. . .man.  
  
Bob: Really?  
  
Rosie: I also collect fleas.  
  
Bob(looking at her curiously): You don't say.  
  
Rosie: Yeah, and since I saved the world and all, I would really like it if I could keep 'em. Y'know? As a suvinere.  
  
Bob: Well I don't see why not.  
  
Rosie: Great. I'll be taking them then.  
  
* After the people leave, Raiden turns to Rosie and asks. . . *  
  
Raiden: Rosie, why do you want those scabies?  
  
Rosie(with a satisfied look on her face): Well, me and Otacon have to get back to Philanthropy headquarters down in Kansas. And, well. . .let's just say I'm broke, I'm hungry, and it's gonna be a long drive.  
  
Raiden: ROSIE!!! 


	31. The Classic Metal Gear Solid ending

Chapter 31  
  
* As the adventure finishes, we are on the set of a movie with camera-men, all of our characters, and even me sitting in a directors chair yelling "cut." *  
  
Clipwaster(talking with a megaphone to everyone on set): Okay, that's a wrap people, Johnson get the hell over here and help Bill get these cameras back in the storage room. Timmy, you and the gang get these props back down. Leroy, where's my damn coffee!  
  
* Raiden comes up to me and taps me on the shoulder. *  
  
Raiden: Sir, considering we did a pretty good job on this, what would you say about a sequel?  
  
Clipwaster(turning to the camera and winking to hint at something): Well, that would all depend on my reviewers.  
  
Raiden: Actually, no, it wouldn't.  
  
Clipwaster: Whaa. . .  
  
Raiden(holding up a piece of paper): A fax just came in from the company. We're definitely doing a sequel.  
  
Clipwaster: Huh?  
  
Raiden: You must have not fully read the contract you signed with the company when you made Rosie O'donell's Metal Gear Adventure. It says you HAVE to do a sequel. Otherwise, none of us get paid.  
  
Clipwaster: What the hell?  
  
Raiden: It gets even wierder. . .Y'know, I just realized we've never actually met the people who work with the company. So I had Otacon do some research and. . .  
  
Clipwaster: . . .and?  
  
Raiden: . . .Bluemoose, SolidSmith, these guys are some of our biggest contributers.  
  
* Erie music is played *  
  
Clipwaster: What's going on around here?  
  
Raiden: I don't know, but Clip. . .  
  
Clipwaster: . . .  
  
Raiden: . . .Johnny's in the script.  
  
* Rosie, over in the corner actually eating the bag of scabies, spits a mouthfull of them out as a sudden flash, accompanied with a suspensfull noise is displayed as the words Rosie O'donell's Metal Gear Adventure fades in on the screen. * 


	32. Credits

Author: Logan Jarrett - aka: Clipwaster  
  
Special Agent "French Fry" or "Rosie" (the Solid Snake Ripoff). . . . . . . . Rosie O'donell  
  
Otacon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Martha Stewart  
  
Raiden. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Raiden  
  
Johnny Sasaki. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Johnny Sasaki  
  
Ocelot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ocelot  
  
Olga. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jerod from the Subway commercial  
  
The Ninja. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jerry Springer  
  
Emma Emmerich. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Elton John  
  
Vamp. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Oprah Winfrey  
  
Fatman. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Fat Bastard from Austin Powers: TSWSM  
  
Fortune. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Richard Simmons  
  
The President. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Eminem  
  
Special guest appearances by Jar Jar Binks, Boss Nass, Calypso, Sweet Tooth, Rossane, Brittany Spears, and probably someone else.  
  
Special thanks to Anthony Smith (aka: Solid Smith) and Drew McNutt (aka: BlueMoose) for some inspiration in chapters 27 and 28.  
  
So about the sequel. . . It's only a matter of time before Kojima and friends give me another worthy game to parody. So, untill then. . .  
  
LONG LIVE THE SPOOFS!!! 


End file.
